A girl walks in to a supermarket and buys the following items:
1 Bar of Soap
1 Tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 baking potato
1 kraft single
1 vegetable pakora
1 muesli bar
1 frozen pizza
1 single frozen dinner
A drunk comes and stands in the line behind her. He watches her as she unloads her items onto the belt. After a while he declares loudly
"YOU MUST BE SINGLE" and punctuates it with a burp.
Intrigued, the girl says, "Well I am, how did you know that?"
She examines her purchases and then looks back at the drunk who says
"Coz youre ugly."
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.
They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop?.
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways"
Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.
The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Sam and Rav! Those are classic! I almost piddled
Why men pee standing up!
God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and he couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve.
He thought he might just as well ask them.
He told them one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have.
Please! Please! Give it to me!"
On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.
Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place, first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away, laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left.
"What's it called?" asked Eve.
"Brains", said God.
My best naughty joke.
A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi and a Buddist Monk are on the deck of the Titanic when it crashes into an iceberg. The boat is damaged beyond hope and starts to sink.
Fearing the worst, the Rabbi says, "We need to get ourselves to a life boat!"
The Buddist Monk, concerned for the welfare of others says, "what about the children?"
"Screw the children!" screams the Rabbi.
The Catholic Priest looks up thoughtfully, "do you think we have time?"
My best clean joke
Two strings are walking down the street. The day is very sunny and the strings are very hot. They want to stop to get a drink, but the first bar they come across has a sign in the window that says "NO STRINGS ALLOWED."
"I don't care," says the first string, and he walks into the bar.
The bartender looks at him and asks, "hey, are you a string?"
"Yes," replies the string.
"Then get out! No strings allowed in this bar!"
They strings continue down the street to the next bar, and again see a sign that says, "NO STRINGS ALLOWED." Again they try and get a drink.
"Hey," says the bartender as they enter, "are you a string?"
"Then get out! No strings allowed!"
The first string is very mad by this point. They come to another bar and see the same "NO STRINGS ALLOWED" sign.
Instead of entering right away and being rebuffed, the first string created a loop in the middle of his body, and then pushes his head through, pulling himself tight. He then reaches up and tussles the top of his head, causing his threads to unravel and flail out in all directions. Then he enters the bar.
"Can I get a whiskey and soda," the now tied and partial unravelled string asks the bartender.
The bartender eyes him suspciously. "Wait a second, are you a string?" he asks.
The string looks at him and replies, "'fraid not." (Frayed knot).