It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up he asks?"
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered."
Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself-you lads go down the pub"
So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the
landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads
"Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all
Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone
remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put
the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1
(Lampard 89 minutes)."
They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in
the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they
only scored at the very, very end!"
"No, no, I have, I've let you down.I got sent off after 12 minutes."
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring.
He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single; and I'm Catholic too!"
"OK" the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley." He does and the Nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me Sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.
Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital waiting for the imminent birth of their respective children.
One's an Englishman, one a Scotsman and the other a Jamaican. They are all very nervous and pacing the floor.
All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double doors saying:
"Gentlemen you won't believe this but your wives have all had their babies within 5 minutes of each other."
The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy.
"And", said the doctor, "They have all had little boys."
The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over. "However, we do have one slight problem," the doctor said.
"In all the confusion we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the nursery and would be grateful if you could join us there to try and help identify them."
With that the Scotsman raced past the doctor and bolted to the nursery. Once inside he picked up a dark skinned infant with dreadlocks saying,"There's no doubt about it, this boy is mine!"
The doctor looked bewildered and said, "Well sir, of all the babies I would have thought that maybe this child could be of Jamaican descent".
"True", said the Scotsman, "but one of the other two is English and I'm not taking the risk."
Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for divorce proceedings. The judge told Mickey, "Look here Mickey Mouse, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie!"
Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, "Why not???"
The Judge said, "I've reviewed all the information you gave to the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy!"
Mickey Mouse says, "Your Honour! I didn't say she was CRAZY, I said she was f**ing Goofy!"
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily Latin American briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff looks stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
When Sister Marlena entered the Monastery of Silence, the Abbot said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Sister Marlena lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Abbot said to her, "Sister Marlena, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."
Sister Marlena said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbot said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Marlena was called in by the Abbot. "You may say another two words, Sister Marlena."
"Cold food," said Sister Marlena.
The Abbott assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again called Sister Marlena into his office. "Two words you may say today."
"I quit," said Sister Marlena.
"It is probably best," said the Abbott. "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."
It was a sunny morning, a little before 8.00 am, on the first hole of a busy course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the club house loud speaker.
"Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!"
I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMAN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: "WOULD THE MAN ON THE WOMAN'S TEE BACK UP TO THE MEN'S TEE, PLEASE!!!"
I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back "WOULD THE A$$HOLE WITH THE MICROPHONE KINDLY KEEP QUIET AND LET ME PLAY MY SECOND SHOT?!"
After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help.
He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you."
Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?"
The answer came back, "An arm and a leg."
"Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"
A nun walks into a liquor store and asks to buy a fifth of whiskey. She says it's for Mother Superior's constipation, so the owner says ok. She buys the booze and leaves. Two hours later, the owner closes store and walks through the park on his way home. As he's walking, he spots the same nun sitting on a park bench, roaring drunk. "Shame on you, Sister", he says, "I thought that whiskey was for Mother Superior's constipation." "It is," she slurrs. "When she sees me, she'll shit!"
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells very nice.
With this same routine happening day after day, the woman becomes totally frustrated, and decides to go to Human Resources.
Without identifying the guy, she explains the actions of her co-worker, and expresses her desire to file a sexual harassment suit against him.
The HR supervisor is puzzled by her approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells very nice?
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."