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Joke of the day.

Travel Forums Off Topic Joke of the day.

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121. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 10y

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
Who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat. This
Doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Amen

122. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

A young boy went up to his father and asked: "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father pondered for a while, then answered: "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned."

So the boy went to his mother and asked: "Mum, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"

The mother replied: "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and said: "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied: "Oh gosh!! I would just love to do that! I would have to be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!".

The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad. His father asked him: "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes! Potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're living with two slappers."

The father replied, "That's my boy!"

123. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

O lny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.!


cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,

it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if
you can raed tihs psas it on !!

124. Posted by wotthefiqh (Inactive 1447 posts) 10y

Quoting Jase007

A young boy went up to his father and asked: "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father pondered for a while, then answered: "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned."

So the boy went to his mother and asked: "Mum, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"

The mother replied: "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and said: "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied: "Oh gosh!! I would just love to do that! I would have to be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!".

The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad. His father asked him: "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes! Potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're living with two slappers."

The father replied, "That's my boy!"

Love it

125. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

A New Zealander was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening there was a great sunset, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect time for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi. Eventually, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until he took his arm away from the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Kiwi had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the woman was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - sunset, a warm and gentle breeze
- perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again.
He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk.

126. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5077 posts) 10y

Two ducks check into a hotel for a dirty weekend. They get up to their room, only to discover they've no condoms. "No problem," quacks the male, "I'll just call down to room service and get them to bring one up."
A few minutes later, room service is knocking at the door. The male duck waddles over, takes the condom and tips the lad.
"Sir," asks the man, before leaving, "should I put that on your bill?"
"Christ no!" quacks the duck, startled, "what do you think I am, some kind of pervert?!"

127. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5077 posts) 10y

After marrying a younger woman, a middle-aged man finds that no matter what he does in the sack, she never achieves orgasm. So he visits his doctor for advice. "Maybe fantasy is the solution," says the doctor. "Why not hire a strapping young man and, while you two are making love, have him wave a towel over you?"
The doctor smiles. "Make sure he's totally naked - that way your wife can fantasise her way to a full-blown orgasm."
Optimistic, he returns home and hires a handsome young escort. But it's no use: even when the stud stands naked, waving the towel, the wife remains unsatisfied. Perplexed, the man returns to his doctor. "Try reversing it for a while," says the quack. "Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." And so he returns home to try again - this time, waving the towel as the same escort pumps away enthusiastically. Soon, the wife has an enormous, screaming orgasm. Smiling, the husband drops the towel and taps the young man on the shoulder. "You see?" he shouts triumphantly. "That's how you wave a bloody towel."

128. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

Aging Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

129. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a
valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same
speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your carand you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at
ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travellingat the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous
situation?

Answer:

Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you're pissed

130. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5077 posts) 10y

Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a
valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same
speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your carand you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at
ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travellingat the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous
situation?

Answer:

Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you're pissed

Weird! I got that email last night. We must have a mutual contact somewhere down the line . . .

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