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Joke of the day.

Travel Forums Off Topic Joke of the day.

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131. Posted by abcdf (Full Member 557 posts) 10y

How do you make an egg roll?

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push it.

132. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5077 posts) 10y

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my beloved.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my beloved."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was livid with anger!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You've ruined my reputation!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

[ Edit: Edited at Jul 3, 2006 1:57 AM by mikeyBoab ]

133. Posted by Jennifer G (Budding Member 725 posts) 10y

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problem for a couples of years.
One day, his doctor had him fitted with a set of hearing aid which allowed him to hear 100%
A month later, he went to the doctor and the doctor said "Your hearing is perfect, your family must be very happy that you can hear again"
The man replied " Oh, I haven't told them yet, I just sit around and listen to their conversation. I have my will changed for 3 times"

[ Edit: Edited at Jul 3, 2006 11:33 PM by Jennifer G ]

134. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

After having dug to a depth of 1,000 meters last year, Korean scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1,500 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors had a telephone network all those centuries ago.

Not to be outdone. Chinese scientists dug to a depth of
2,000 meters and shortly after headlines in Chinese newspapers read:
"Chinese archeologists have found traces of 3,000-year-old fiber-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the Koreans."

One week later, Irish newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 3,000 meters in a Dublin marketplace, scientists had found absolutely nothing. They therefore concluded, that 4,500 years ago, the Irish were already using wireless technology."

135. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

A guy walks into a bar in Peterhead and orders a white wine. All the
hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Tuechter from the north.
The bartender says, "Yer nae fae aroon here loon are ye ?"
The guy says, "No, I'm actually from Edinburgh".
The bartender says, "And fit div ye dee in Edinburgh then cheel?".
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? fit the fu**ks a taxidermist? Div ye drive a taxi?"
"No, as a taxidermist I don't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts to the locals "It's aricht loons, he's ane of us!"

136. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5077 posts) 10y

Why do elephants have big ears?

Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.

137. Posted by Jennifer G (Budding Member 725 posts) 10y

Mary was a none-too-bright young woman who had moved to Hollywood with dreams of becoming a star. She didn't find fame or glory, but she did encounter plenty of men and soon she found herself called to testify in a divorce case.

When it was her turn on the stand, the lawyer came forward. "The wife of the defendant has identified you as the 'other woman' in her husband's life. Now, do you admit that you went to the Pricerite Motel with this Mr. Evans?"

"Well, yes," acknowledged Mary with a sniff, "but I couldn't help it."

"Couldn't help it?" asked the lawyer derisively. "How's that?"

"Mr. Evans deceived me."

"Exactly what do you mean?"

"See, when we signed in," she explained, "He told the motel clerk I was his wife."

[ Edit: Edited at Jul 5, 2006 1:09 AM by Jennifer G ]

138. Posted by Jennifer G (Budding Member 725 posts) 10y

When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.

"Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then depress the trigger to release the foam."

Later a blonde employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.

The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"

In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin .... and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.

139. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

Fancy being a doctor?
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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first
exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked
his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the
baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded,
and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed
examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said,
"No wonder this baby is underweight.

You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said,
"I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

[ Edit: Edited at Jul 5, 2006 7:09 AM by Jase007 ]

140. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5077 posts) 10y

A guy went home from work one night and heard a voice. The voice whispered to him: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man was disturbed about what he heard and ignored the voice.

The next day when he got home from work, the same thing happened. The voice whispered to him: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again the man ignored the voice, though
he was very troubled by the event.

Every day, the man was tormented by the same voice when he came home from work: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man heard the voice he became
increasingly upset.

Finally, after two weeks, he succumbed to the pressure. He quit his job, sold his house,
got together all his money and headed to Vegas. The moment the man got off the plane in Vegas, the voice told him, Go to Harrah's."

So he hopped in a cab and rushed over to Harrah's. As soon as he set foot in the casino, the voice echoed, "Go to the roulette table." The man did as he was told.

When he arrived at the roulette table, the voice firmly told him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashed in his money for chips and then put them all on 17. The dealer wished the man good luck and spun the roulette wheel.

Around and around the ball caromed. The man anxiously watched the ball as it slowly lost speed until finally it settled into number . . . 21.

The voice said, "Damn..."

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