Skip Navigation

Joke of the day.

Travel Forums Off Topic Joke of the day.

Page 1 ... ...

Last Post

151. Posted by tway (Travel Guru 7273 posts) 10y

When Neal first told me he had to put on his jumper, I though he meant a little girl's dress. Now that would have been funny!

152. Posted by Jennifer G (Budding Member 725 posts) 10y

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

153. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

A Brit, a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back.

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they all do).

The Brit was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Brit replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be? the Sheikh asked.

The Brit smiled and said, "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

154. Posted by Jennifer G (Budding Member 725 posts) 10y

The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny. Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.

The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time--we'll miss him."

"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."

Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."

But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."

With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"

155. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

Two Scottish lads are chatting in the pub about the one bloke's wedding which is just around the corner.

The one bloke says to the other, "I think I'm going to have to wear a kilt for my wedding."

The other bloke says, "Oh, aye? What's the tartan?"

"Oh she'll be dressed in white, I suppose."

156. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5077 posts) 10y

Little Johnny ran to his mother one day and said "Mummy, what's it called when two people are sleeping together and one's on top of the other?"

She figures he has to learn sometime. "It's call 'sexual intercourse'" she replies.

So off he goes to play, but comes back a few minutes later. "Apparently you were wrong mum," he says "It's called 'bunk beds' and Susie's mother wants to talk to you."

157. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a
black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him,

"What is your name?"

"I can't tell you," the black man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is
and he always responds the same, he can't tell her.
On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me
your name?"
I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me." says the black man.
"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
"Fine, my name is Snow!" the black man replies.
And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad
and says,"I knew you would make fun of it."

The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in Jamaica!"

158. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5077 posts) 10y

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think

159. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

England football team for sale:
England for sale

The questions are brill !!!

[ Edit: Fixed link ]

160. Posted by Jennifer G (Budding Member 725 posts) 10y

Al Davis had finally put together the perfect Oakland Raiders team for '98. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win.

Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away! He threw another grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away! A car passes going 80 miles (120 km) an hour, and he send another grenade right into the barely open window. "I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself, "He has the perfect arm!"

So he brings him to the States and teaches him the game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl.

The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXIII, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.

"Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl."

"I don't want to talk to you, " the old woman says, "You deserted us. You're not my son."

"I don't think you understand, mother." the young man pleads, "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."

"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was attacked in broad daylight..."

The old lady pauses, then says through her tears, "I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!"

Page 1 ... ...

Last Post