Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
Quasimodo was dying for a sh@g, he jumped out of his bell tower and headed for the brothel.
When he got there he was asked what he wanted to which he replied
" I want a sh@g. "
" Ok you can have big Linda for 30 quid, "
" I have not got that much, "
" Ok you can have Lucy for 20 quid, "
" I have not got that much, right "
" You can have the Nun for 18 quid, "
" I've still not got enough, "
"How much have you got then, "
"15 quid he replied, "
" Right you can sh@g that wee minger in the corner for 15 quid. "
He does the business and heads back to the bells.
15 years later he is dying for another sh@g, he jumps out the tower and heads for the brothel.
The door opens and this 15 year old boy is standing there, he has a hunched back, walks with a limp and his face is all mangled.
Looking at Quasi he says " are you my dad "
to which Quasi replies
"Sure looks like it, "
the boy then rips into quasi saying
" Have you never heard of condoms, look at the state of me I've got a hunchback, walk with a limp and my face is all mangled have you got nothing to say for yourself. "
" Your lucky if I had another 3 quid you would have been a catholic. "
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to give an example his students could relate to.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends."
Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replies.
The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?"
"Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."
"Lord, it is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc....she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more " symmetrically balanced", as she put it.
"That is a fair point", replied God. "But it was my first shot at this you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
"Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied. "But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought about this for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now, let's see...where did I put that useless tit?"
NOW THAT MAKES MORE SENSE THAN THAT RIB STUFF!
1981 - A Scottish couple are honeymooning in Las Vegas. After a week of the usual honeymoon stuff they find themselves a bit bored of the city, so they rent a car and head out into the desert. The see a billboard beside the highway that reads "Indian Memory Man - 10 miles" so they decide to go, just for a laugh.
They arrive at a tee pee 10 miles on and go in. Inside sits a lone indian with just a loin cloth and a single feather in a head band for clothing. The couple are a bit cynical, but figure, what the hell, and pass over the 10 dollar fee. "So, you can tell us anything about anything?" the husband asks. The Indian says nothing, only nods. "Well, who won the 1961 Scottish Cup Final?" "Dunfermline Athletic" he replies without hesitation. The couple think this is absolutely amazing, that an Indian in the Nevada desert could know such a thing, and go away very happy, knowing that their money was well worth it.
Present Day - the couple return to Las Vegas for their 25th anniversary. Again, finding themselves a bit bored after a week, they rent a car and head out to the desert. They decide to see if they can track down the Indian Memory Man again. Sure enough, they find the tee pee. They go in and see the memory man sitting as if he hadn't moved a muscle in 25 years. The husband whispers to his wife "He's obviously a highly gifted man - we'd better show him some respect." He attempts to greet the man in a culturally respectful manner "How!" he says. "2-0 on penalties after a 0-0 draw" the memory man replies.
What's the first sign of Madness?
Suggs walking up the garden path
(i know, i know)
[ Edit: Edited at Jul 25, 2006 3:56 AM by Gelli ]
No offense to Gelli
There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak much English, but was a very good worker.
After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the "parts", but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'."
Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper, and indeed the 'sheep fries' were tasty.
The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'. The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was, and she said, "You know, it's the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries, and he ran like hell!"
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out." "Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock: no problem at all." said the 80-year-old. "Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old. "No, I crap every morning at 6:30." the older man responded. With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00!"
Dave is playing darts in a local pub knockout competition, he needs a big score to put his opponent under real pressure. The first dart hits single twenty, the second dart hits trebble twenty, when all of a sudden two nuns walk in shaking their collection tins and asking for donations. The third dart hits the wire and sticks in a nuns head, killing her instantly. The barman with the microphone calls out ''ONE NUN DEAD AND EIGHTY''.
Woof woof woof
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."
Where poo comes from?
A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning where her Daddy is reading the paper.
"Where does poo come from?" she asks.
Father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yes," answers the girl.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."
The little girl looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: