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Joke of the day.

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181. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5077 posts) 10y

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

182. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer.
For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

183. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5077 posts) 10y

What kind of bees can you get milk from?

Boo-bees!

184. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

A Scotsman phones a dentist to inquire about the cost for a tooth extraction. "$85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

"$85!!! Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock $15 off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to $40"

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction, with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you $5, but it's going to be very traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman." "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

185. Posted by Rraven (Travel Guru 5924 posts) 10y

>
>>To all backpackers, ex-backpackers and wannabies;
>>
>>Having trouble readjusting to life back at home now that the
travelling
is
>>over?
>>
>>Here's a few handy hints to help you settle back in
>>
>>1) Replace your bed with two or more bunk beds, and every night invite

>>random people to sleep in your bedroom with you. Ensure at least once
a
>>week a couple gets drunk and shags on one of the top bunks. Remove
beds
>>one
>>by one as symptoms improve
>>
>>2) Sleep in your sleeping bag, forgetting to wash it for months. Add
some
>>bugs in order to wake up with many unsightly bites over your arms and
legs
>>
>>3) Enlist the help of a family member to set your radio alarm to go
off
>>randomly during the night, filling your room with loud talking.This
works
>>best if the station is foreign. Also have several
>>mobiles ringing, without being answered.
>>
>>To add to the torture, ask a friend to bring plastic bags into your
room

>>at
>>roughly 6 in the morning and proceed to rustle them for no apparent
reason
>>for a good half an hour
>>
>>4) Keep all your clothes in a rucksack. Remember to smell them before
>>puting them on and reintroduce the use of the iron SLOWLY
>>
>>5) Buy your favourite food, and despite living at home, write your
name
>>and when you might next be leaving the house on all bags. This should
>>include
>>mainly pasta, 2 minute noodles, carrots and beer.
>>
>>6) Ask a family member to every now and again steal an item of food,
>>preferably the one you have most been looking forward to or the most
>>expensive. Keep at least one item of food far too long or in a bag out

in
>>the sun, so you have to spend about 24 hours within sprinting distance

of
>>the
>>toilet.
>>
>>7) Even if it's a Sunday, vacate the house by 10a.m., and then stand
on
>>the
>>corner of the street looking lost. Ask the first passer-by of similar
>>ethnic background if they have found anywhere good to go yet
>>
>>8) When sitting on public transport (the London Tube would be ideal)
>>introduce yourself to the person sitting next to you, say which stop
you
>>got on at, where you are going, how long you have been travelling and
what
>>university you went to. If they say they are going
>>to Morden, say you met a guy on the central line who said it was
terrible
>>and that you've heard Parsons Green is better and cheaper.
>>
>>9) Finally stick paper in your shower so that the water comes in just
a
>>drizzle. Adjust the hot/cold taps at regular intervals so that you are
>>never fully satisfied with the temperature. Because of this
frustration,

>>shower infrequently.
>>
>>
>>These simple but effective instructions should help you fall back into
>>normal society with the
>>minimum effort. Good luck!

186. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been f****d?"
The fellow said "No"
She said "You will be when the tide comes in"

187. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

A Scotsman phones a dentist to inquire about the cost for a tooth extraction. "$85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

"$85!!! Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock $15 off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to $40"

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction, with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you $5, but it's going to be very traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman." "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

188. Posted by Hien (Moderator 3906 posts) 10y

Quoting Jase007

A Scotsman phones a dentist to inquire about the cost for a tooth extraction. "$85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

...

Jase, scroll up and see post #183.

189. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

I HOPE YOU ARE READY FOR THIS FASCINATING STORY .....

A guy has spent five years travelling all around the world making a documentary on Native Dances. At the end of this time, he has every single Native Dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.

The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."

The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"

"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every Native Dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"

"Ummsum. I got a Corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"

"No, no, not Corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than Corroborree."

"Oh, well, how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the Forests of the Amazon, to deepest Darkest Africa, to the frozen Wastes of the Arctic, filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"OK, mate. You drive North along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead Gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving."

"You strike out due West into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of Rocky Mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head South for half day 'til you see pass through mountains."

"Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head Northwest for 4 days, 'til reach big huge rock - 100ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due West for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."

So the guy organises his camera crew and equipment and heads out the next day. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the big dead Gum tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.

He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard of before.

True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the Rocky Mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream.

The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as the guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.

When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.

Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.

Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the Village Chief and tells him that he has come to film their Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last week. You too late. You miss dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not 'til next year."

"Well, I've come all this way to photograph this unique event. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"

"No, No, No ! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, Gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year."

The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.

The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.

Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged down every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.

They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.

Then, before they have travelled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.

Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been travelling, the stagger into the village at about midday. "The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"

The Chief recognises him and says, "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid. As dusk falls the natives start to cover their bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.

Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.

A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of Witch Doctor or Medicine Man, thinks the guy and he whispers to the Chief, "What's he doing?"

"Hush," whispers the Chief. "You first White Man ever to see the most Sacred of our Rituals. Must remain silent. Holy Man, he asks that the Spirits of the Dream World watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the Holy Man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. Out somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.

The guy is becoming caught up in the fervour of the moment itself. This is it. He now realises beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by the Aborigines.

The Chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing.....

190. Posted by tway (Travel Guru 7273 posts) 10y

Is that it??? There has to be more! Did I miss it?

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