I don't get it . . .
I don't get it . . .
Is there a part 2?
"You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about." .....................
Jase's jokes = ka ka
Mikey = super hot sexy stud man
That reminds me of the joke my Dad used to tell about two friends who were crossing the desert when one got bit in the bolli**s by a snake. My Dad would go on and on and on in minute detail about how the other guy had to walk all the way back to the city - through sandstorms, tribal wars, sunstroke, alien invasions, car crashes, you name it - to ask the doctor what to do. The doctor told him he had to cut the affected area and suck the poison out. So the guy goes back, encountering every hardship conceivable to man to find his friend still hanging on.
"What did he say?" asks the friend.
To which his exhausted mate replies, "He says you're gonna die!"
But jeez - my Dad could make that one last for an hour.
I was shopping in the supermarket with my wife on Saturday
and I thought that they had named a loaf of bread after you,
but when I looked more closely it said “THICK CUT”.
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
I got a Fifty Pound note on my privates," he said proudly.
What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in
disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a Fifty Pound note
tattooed on his privates?"
Well, for one...I like to watch my money grow. Two...once in a while I like to play with my money. Three...I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly...instead of you going out wasting money on shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow Fifty quid anytime you want."
Larry is recovering nicely in the hospital...
How many screws are there in a lesbian's bed?
None. It's all tongue and groove.
I was in Woolworths buying a large bag of Lucky Dog for my Labrador
Retriever and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Lucky Dog Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 20 kilos before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Lucky Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.
I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
50 things that change after UNI
1. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep
2. Having sex in a single bed is absurd
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge
4. Your fantasies of having sex with three women with lesbian tendencies are replaced by fantasies of having sex with anyone at all
5. You don't volunteer for clinical trials at the local hospital
6. You know all of the people sleeping in your house
7. You hear your favourite song in the lift at work
9. The bank manager doesn't write threatening letters anymore
10. You carry an umbrella
11. Seven-day benders are no longer realistic
12. You don't go to Tesco's with all your friends
13. You have standing orders and direct debits
14. The heating works in your house
15. Your friends marry and divorce instead of get together and break-up
16. You pay the government thousands of pounds every year
17. You go from 130 days of holidays to 20
18. Jeans and a t-shirt no longer qualify as 'dressed up'
19. You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo
20. You get out of bed in the morning even if it's raining
21. Washing up is not an annual ritual
22. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you
23. You don't know what time the kebab shop closes anymore
24. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up
25. You feed your dog Pal instead of McDonalds
26. You don't get ideas for drinks from local tramps
27. You don't put half-finished curries in the fridge to eat later
28. You don't spend half your day strategically planning pub crawls
29. You "hate scrounging students"
30. You no longer have a strange attraction to road signs when drunk
31. Sleeping in the lounge is a no-no
32. You can't persuade your flatmates to 'Drink till dawn'
33. You don't spend Wednesday afternoons in the pub
34. You always know where you are when you wake up
35. You no longer take naps from noon to 6p.m
36. A fire in the kitchen is not a laugh
37. You go to the chemist for Panadol and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits
38. A £3 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'
39. You can remember the name of the person you wake up next to
40. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time
41. You don't have mice living in your kitchen
42. Grocery lists are longer than pot noodles & cans of lager
43. You don't go to Liquor Save to buy Vodka
44. You have hoovered
45. Breaking the law means doing 40 in a 30 zone
46.'I just can't drink the way I used to' replaces 'I'm never going to drink that much again'
47. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work
48. You don't experiment with banned substances
49. You don't get drunk at home, to save money, before going to a pub
50. You don’t find a "dump" left in the toilet hysterically funny any more