Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off
the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces
to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of
condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves.
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Then, why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
A man finds an old lamp, rubs it. Out pops two blonde genies.
They tell him he can have three wishes. He closes his eyes, makes his wishes, and... pooff!!
He finds himself in a hotel room surrounded by beautiful naked women, all crazy for him.
He looks down and the floor of the hotel room is carpeted with hundred dollar fills, feet deep.
...Just then there is a knock on the hotel door.
The man opens the door, to find two masked Klu Klux Klan members waiting for him.
They grab him, beat him up and string up to a tree.
As he was gasping his last breaths, the man saw the two Klu Klux Klan members walking away.
They took off their masks. It was the two blonde genies!
And the one said to the other "You know, his first two wishes I could still understand."
"...But I really don't understand why he wanted to be hung like a black man."
A man takes a week off and decides to play a round of golf everyday.
First thing Monday he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and as he gets closer to her on the Par 3, he sees that she is a stunner. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together.
She agrees and a very close match ensues.
She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little match on the last hole.
He congratulates her in the car park then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning. On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself on the course for a long time.
"In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything."
He pulls over, they kiss and she ends up giving him a blow job. The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggest they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each others company and playing a tight round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, and again he drives her home, and again she goes down on him in appreciation.
This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly everyday.
This is a sore point for his male ego, but nevertheless in the car home on Friday he tells her that he had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a city hotel.
Surprisingly, she burst into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the truth.
"You see," she says, "I'm a transvestite."
He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion.
"I'm sorry" she repeats.
"You b'tard," he screams ( rather red in the face ), "you cheating f'ing b'tard, you've been playing off the ladies tees all week
A man walks into a bar.
He says to the barman "How tall is a penguin?"
The barman says about three feet.
The man says "Don't you get any penguins taller than that!"
The barman says maybe maximum four feet but no taller than that.
The man says "Oh shit, in that case I just drove over a nun."
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a Coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
“I'll have the same,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a Coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.96.
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
”That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."