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Joke of the day.

Travel Forums Off Topic Joke of the day.

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211. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

One for CupCake and all sweet toothed people


Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a double Decker, it was after

eight.

She was from Quality Street; he was a fisherman's friend.

On the way, they stopped at a yorkie bar, he had a rum and butter, she had a wine gum.

He asked her name,' Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said.

I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought! Then he touched her milky way.
They checked in, and went straight to the bedroom.
Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of black magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her snickers and felt
her cream egg.
He fondled her flap jacks then he showed her his curly wurly and tic
tacs.
Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more jelly babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard.
He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of fudge.
It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish delight, When he pulled out, his fun size mars bar felt a bit crunchie.
She wanted more, he needed time out, and however, he noticed her pink wafers looked very appetizing.

He did a twirl, had a picnic in her sherbet and finished off by giving her a gob stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.
Sadly he was soon to discover he had VD.
It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with all sorts!

212. Posted by Cupcake (Travel Guru 8468 posts) 10y

Dammit, your joke of the day made me hungry.........;)

213. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night, having a beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says, " In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says, "Well mate, in Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the Australian and then says, "In London we have so many f***ing South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

214. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

True Story – soon to be repeated, I’m sure.

A Charlotte, North Carolina, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in "a series of small fires". The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me.)

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART.

After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

215. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5077 posts) 10y

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... No."

"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheel chair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was cut off.

"Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea ..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "... And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!?"

216. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, Which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. Ben Hunt

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. John

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colum Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's minge, He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P, Leeds

It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way, such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door with a belt. Paul Mulraney, Belfast

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied '*unt'. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family? Noel, Leeds

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this? Alun Daniel

I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a bit of a nutter. Alan Thakray

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original, although it did have it's moments?

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
Alan J., London

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars. T Barnham, London

COULD the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric, Abu Hamsa. Les Barnsley

HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor. Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the

poor sods? John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius. Mike Woods, e-mail

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them. Shuggie, Email

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far? Dave Owen, Edinburgh

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths. Tripod

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that. Thomas J.

217. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5077 posts) 10y

A life long supporter of the labour party was lying on his death bed when he suddenly decided to join the Tory party. "But why?" asked his puzzled friend, "You're labour through and through… Why change now?" The man leaned forward and explained, "Well, I'd rather it was one of them that died and not one of us."

218. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving People a shitty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

219. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5077 posts) 10y

What's the difference between government bonds and men?

Bonds mature.

220. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said,"I'll give you a $100 if you let me have you!"

But the girl said "NO!"

Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She replied, "The bastard used coins!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

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