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Joke of the day.

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241. Posted by Clarabell (Travel Guru 1696 posts) 10y

A man goes to the Doctor with an embarrasing problem.
man: "Doctor I have a cricket ball stuck up my arse"
Doc: "Hows That?"
Man: "Oh god not you as well........"

[ Edit: Edited at Oct 12, 2006 4:01 AM by Clarabell ]

242. Posted by Rraven (Travel Guru 5924 posts) 10y

The Irish Times

October 9, 2006

A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over whom should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Republic of Ireland soccer team , whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

243. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good . ) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

244. Posted by jjay (Budding Member 217 posts) 10y

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races.

However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS.

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.

The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey.

The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go.

Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

245. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The bloke groans a bit, bit the doctor goes on "But it's going to be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch".

The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch.

"So the thing is" the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. For instance I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision."

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

"So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the fellow.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the bloke.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

The bloke looks up and says "We're getting a new kitchen".

246. Posted by jjay (Budding Member 217 posts) 10y

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London.

I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year".

247. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

A recruitment agency contacted Jesus and told him there were two job's he may be interested in. The first was in Russia and was for £200 a week the 2nd was in Jerusalem for £2000 a week.

Jesus paused for a minute and told them "I'll take the one in Russia". The recruitment consultant replied "That is for only £200 a week, why not take the one in Jerusalem for £2000".

"No, No" replied Jesus, "I have worked there before and they hammered me with tacks"

248. Posted by jjay (Budding Member 217 posts) 10y

MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a
vacation.
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the
time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing,only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the
most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get
here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat
wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw
material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches,I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side
Of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I
found if fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted
into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to
make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small
wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite house painted in blue and
white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp
rope,the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take
Another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still.
How Would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they
Sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their
stories,the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more
comfortable.
Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a
razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two Shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines,
strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She
beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,
"We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's
Something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" - She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . ." he swallows
excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes. "I can check my
e-mail from here?"

249. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 10y

Quarterback Brett Farve, after living a full life, died. When he got
to heaven, God started showing him around. They came to a modest
little house with a faded Packers flag in the window. "This house is
yours for eternity, Brett,"
said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." 
Brett felt special indeed and walked up to his house.

On his way up to the porch, he noticed another house just around the
corner.  It was a three-story mansion with a blue and orange
sidewalk,50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Bears logo flag, and
in every window, a blue helmet with a "C" on it.

Brett looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful,
but I have a question. I was an All-Pro Quarterback, I won a Super
Bowl, and I even went to the Hall of Fame." God said, "So what do you
want to know, Brett?" "Well, why does Walter Payton get a better
house than me?"

God chuckled and said, "Brett, that's not Walter Payton's house, it's
mine!!!

Go Bears!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

250. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

BEST SCOTTISH SHORT JOKE...

A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian," Excuse me Miss, day ye hiv ony books on suicide?" To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says, "F*** off, ye'll no bring it back!"

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