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Joke of the day.

Travel Forums Off Topic Joke of the day.

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261. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

I checked into a hotel on a trip to Manchester yesterday and was a bit lonely, so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Veronique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up... you know the kind.
So I'm in my room and figure, "What the heck, I'll give her a call."
"Good Evening?" the woman says.
Wow! She sounded hot.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I like talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want, baby! Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That Sounds Fantastic... but for an outside line, Sir, you need to press 9."

262. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

Tam and Billy work at Glasgow Airport as mechanics. Whilst working
on one of the planes Tam says, "Hey Billy, I could fair go a lager,
whit aboot you?"

Billy says, "Too right. None around here and anyway, Ah'm skint till
next pay day."
"Same here" says Tam gloomily.
"You know whit Ah heard though," says Billy, "see that jet fuel.
It's supposed tae gie ye wan helluva buzz."
"Worth a shot!" says Tam and they stash some of it into two Irn Bru
bottles and each takes one home.
Tam tries it out when he's safely ensconsed in his flat in
Pollokshields. Man! It tastes revolting but wheeeee! The effects are
amazing. When he wakes up,depsite having been as blown out of his mind as hell, there's no trace of a hangover.

The phone rings and it's Billy.
"Hey Tam," he says, "did you try that aviation fuel?"
"Aye! It wiz pure magic!"
"Nae hangover?" quizzes Billy
"Nae hangover!" Tam confirms.
"Have ye farted yet?" asks Billy
"Naw." says Tam puzzled.
"Well prepare yersel!" says Billy, "Cos Ah'm in the HEBRIDES"

263. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
Wait till you see the last one!

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

264. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

Snappy Answer #1

A stewardess was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2

A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked the shelf stacker, "Do these chickens get any bigger?"
He replied, "No, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3

The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Policeman said.
The lad replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4

A lorry driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads "Low bridge! ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and walks around to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck?"
The lorry driver says, "No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol."

and finally


  1. 5, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR

A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it: no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-arse bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter.
When silence is restored, the lecturer smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

265. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

Darts anyone?

Dave is playing darts in a local pub knockout competition, he needs a big score to put his opponent under real pressure. The first dart hits single twenty, the second dart hits trebble twenty, when all of a sudden two nuns walk in shaking their collection tins and asking for donations. The third dart hits the wire and sticks in a nuns head, killing her instantly. The barman with the microphone calls out ''ONE NUN DEAD AND EIGHTY''.


Woof woof woof

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."


Where poo comes from?

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning where her Daddy is reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" she asks.

Father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yes," answers the girl.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:
"And Tigger?"

266. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

At the college, male & female students were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'
Females wrote : When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, then, it is spiritually and morally acceptable to the society that they both engage themselves in the act of physical sex with one another.

Men wrote :

'I love sex.'

267. Posted by Jacaranda (Budding Member 61 posts) 9y

A Frenchman, Italian and an Austrlian are all talking about how much they pleasure there wifes.

The Frenchman says "I whisper passionately in my wifes ear and she rises an inch off the bed".

The Italian laughs saying, "I kiss my wife so sensually she rises one foot off the bed.

The Australian the says "Thats bloody nothing after i've had sex with the misses i wipe my dick on the curtains and she hits the roof"

268. Posted by tway (Travel Guru 7273 posts) 9y

A postman is on his last round before his retirement. Everyhere he goes, the homeowner offers him gift or a little money in an envelope. At one house, a scantily clad woman answers the door, beckons him upstairs and proceeds to give him the time of his life. Afterwards, she leans over and gives him $5.

When her husband comes home that night, he asks how her day went. "Oh, I feked the postman today, dear," she replies. Seeing her husband's dismay, she cries "But you told me to!"

"I did no such thing!" he answers.

"Sure you did! I said 'honey, the postman's retiring today' and you said 'feck him, give him $5".

269. Posted by garry moll (Budding Member 348 posts) 9y

beware of the supermarket scam....
while coming out of the supermarket 2 young scantly dressed girls jumped into my car.
one showed her boobs and the other gave me a bj. (can i say that ?)
i was astounded ullerly stunned. but when the got out of my car i found my wallet had been stollen. the swines !!!!!
ive had my wallet stollen this week on monday, thursday, friday, st, and sunday. and could not find them on the other days.

270. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.
As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him.
For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted it's front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.
The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

-----Probably wasn't the same elephant.

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