A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS.
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey.
The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go.
Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day
what do you do with 365 used rubbers?
melt them down,make a tire und call it a Goodyear.
What is female Viagra?
The Irish Times
October 9, 2006
A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over whom should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Republic of Ireland soccer team , whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Q. How do you confuse a w@nker?
How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader?
Tell them that asylum seekers eat paedophiles.
Tam and Billy work at Glasgow Airport as mechanics. Whilst working
on one of the planes Tam says, "Hey Billy, I could fair go a lager,
whit aboot you?"
Billy says, "Too right. None around here and anyway, Ah'm skint till
next pay day."
"Same here" says Tam gloomily.
"You know whit Ah heard though," says Billy, "see that jet fuel.
It's supposed tae gie ye wan helluva buzz."
"Worth a shot!" says Tam and they stash some of it into two Irn Bru
bottles and each takes one home.
Tam tries it out when he's safely ensconsed in his flat in
Pollokshields. Man! It tastes revolting but wheeeee! The effects are
amazing. When he wakes up,depsite having been as blown out of his mind as hell, there's no trace of a hangover.
The phone rings and it's Billy.
"Hey Tam," he says, "did you try that aviation fuel?"
"Aye! It wiz pure magic!"
"Nae hangover?" quizzes Billy
"Nae hangover!" Tam confirms.
"Have ye farted yet?" asks Billy
"Naw." says Tam puzzled.
"Well prepare yersel!" says Billy, "Cos Ah'm in the HEBRIDES"
A farmer was in the pub bragging about his pig. "That animal saved my life twice," he said. "Once I fell into the river and he jumped in and dragged me to the bank. Another time my house caught on fire and he ran in and saved me, the wife and kids."
The farmer passes around a picture of the miraculous animal. One of the guys notices the pig is missing a leg.
"Which accident did the pig lose its leg in?" he asks.
"Neither. An animal like that you don't eat all at once!"
Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace
1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."
8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."
12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"
13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.
14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
>>Keep Flying, Stay Shiny, and lets get that Gorram Trilogy<<
>>>>>>>We will rise again, you cant stop the signal<<<<<<<<<<
A white horse walks into a bar.
'This pub was named after you', says the barman.
'What?' says the horse, slightly bemused, 'Eric?'