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Joke of the day.

Travel Forums Off Topic Joke of the day.

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291. Posted by PirateDani (Budding Member 153 posts) 9y

I don't reckon that I'll ever complain again.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy. Rob is a
commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station in Ft.Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

"Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last
week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool...
So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial 'waterheater'; this $20,000 piece of equipment sucks water out of the sea.
It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had
happened.
The machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my
suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish
couldn't stick to it.
However,the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding
the jellyfish into the crack of my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three
agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes
before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my ass as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

Love Rob "

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

--
>>Keep Flying, Stay Shiny, and lets get that Gorram Trilogy<<
>>>>>>>We will rise again, you cant stop the signal<<<<<<<<<<

292. Posted by PirateDani (Budding Member 153 posts) 9y

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two- team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British.
Ben Hunt

293. Posted by PirateDani (Budding Member 153 posts) 9y

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up.

294. Posted by PirateDani (Budding Member 153 posts) 9y

' Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

295. Posted by PirateDani (Budding Member 153 posts) 9y

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive.The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme.
She was sent by DHL next day delivery.

296. Posted by PirateDani (Budding Member 153 posts) 9y

he record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.

297. Posted by PirateDani (Budding Member 153 posts) 9y

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy (chip shop)on the Gloucester Road
Alan J., London
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Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on mus1im cleric Abu Hamsa.
Les, Barnsley
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The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain , a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor s0ds?
John Campbell, e-mail
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With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, e-mail
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Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond
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I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
Dave Owen, Edinburgh
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I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan
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What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
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(ps: I aint flooding, its just that my inbox has so many funnies it it)

298. Posted by Utrecht (Moderator 5596 posts) 9y

Bill Gates visits a hooker, and when he is pulling his pants down, the hooker starts laughing and laughing
So Bill asks: whats there to laugh, is something wrong?

Well, not really, but now I know where the term Microsoft comes from!

299. Posted by PirateDani (Budding Member 153 posts) 9y

1. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

2. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the
event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
them with you with our compliments."

3. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

4. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines
is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

5. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly
windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to
fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate

--
>>Keep Flying, Stay Shiny, and lets get that Gorram Trilogy<<
>>>>>>>We will rise again, you cant stop the signal<<<<<<<<<<

300. Posted by PirateDani (Budding Member 153 posts) 9y

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

--
>>Keep Flying, Stay Shiny, and lets get that Gorram Trilogy<<
>>>>>>>We will rise again, you cant stop the signal<<<<<<<<<<

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