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Joke of the day.

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301. Posted by PirateDani (Budding Member 153 posts) 9y

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
Not only that, but....
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

--
>>Keep Flying, Stay Shiny, and lets get that Gorram Trilogy<<
>>>>>>>We will rise again, you cant stop the signal<<<<<<<<<<

302. Posted by PirateDani (Budding Member 153 posts) 9y

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh, yeah? says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it. "The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.
"Wow, "says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

--
>>Keep Flying, Stay Shiny, and lets get that Gorram Trilogy<<
>>>>>>>We will rise again, you cant stop the signal<<<<<<<<<<

303. Posted by Ahila (Inactive 1529 posts) 9y

[ Edit: Edited on Jan 24, 2007, at 6:05 AM by Ahila ]

304. Posted by PirateDani (Budding Member 153 posts) 9y

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway, the officer came to the drivers window and said, "Sir, may I see your drivers license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver's license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The mans looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."

--
>>Keep Flying, Stay Shiny, and lets get that Gorram Trilogy<<
>>>>>>>We will rise again, you cant stop the signal<<<<<<<<<<

305. Posted by PirateDani (Budding Member 153 posts) 9y

It was my first week as a junior ship's engineer. I've been told that if the alarm rings, we should rush towards the muster station to escape immediately.

One day I was sleeping after a full day of work. Suddenly I heard the alarm and immediately realized I needed to escape. I quickly put on my lifejacket and started running in a panic. On the next deck, I saw the cadet walking casually . He asked me why I was running?

I told him that the ship is in danger and I want to escape. He said, "Oh! You want to escape?" " Why are trying to jump off the boat? You can "escape" using the gangway." (I forgot the ship was berthed.... the alarm was just being tested).

--
>>Keep Flying, Stay Shiny, and lets get that Gorram Trilogy<<
>>>>>>>We will rise again, you cant stop the signal<<<<<<<<<<

306. Posted by PirateDani (Budding Member 153 posts) 9y

SHARK ATTACK!
As all tourists that come to the Keys know, Sharks can be a dangerous threat to swimmers, divers and snorkelers. A local Marathon dive master was overheard giving a pre-dive briefing on the boat just before the divers hit the water. "You know", he says - "Its very important that you're properly equipped as a diver before going down. -- and do you know what your most important protection is against Sharks? -- it's your Dive Knife. It's very important that you have a very sharp dive knife that is readily accessible in case you're confronted by a shark while in the water". One of the divers looked up, wide eye-ed and a little nervous and asked, "I heard that sharkskin is very tough - like sandpaper, and their teeth are razor sharp. How would I handle my dive knife to defend against such a formidable killer? The dive master paused, picked his dive knife up in his hand and, with a serious, contemplative look, lightly stroked the flat sides of the blade. "It's all in team work", he quietly responded. "You always dive close to your buddy, right? Well, -- when the shark gets close and looks like he's ready to attack, ..... you reach for your dive knife .... hold it out straight in front of you, then .......................then ............
..................... GRAB YOUR BUDDY - SLIT HIS THROAT - AND SWIM AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Note: ( :-) OK, for all you tourists that read this and take it too seriously: Sharks are NOT a problem here in the Keys, or most anywhere for that matter. This is how we make fun of irrational tourist fears.

307. Posted by marlis (Travel Guru 1167 posts) 9y

the old shark says to the young shark while watching a diver:
Be carfull when you get him that you dont swallow this metall thing he is carring on his back,because if you do you it will make you fart endless,
Marlis

308. Posted by magykal1 (Travel Guru 2026 posts) 9y

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

"I'm curious," the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."

309. Posted by PirateDani (Budding Member 153 posts) 9y

A doctor, a dentist and an attorney were in a boat together when a wave came along and washed them all overboard. Unable to get back into the boat, they decided two would hold on to the boat and the third would swim to shore for help.
They noticed that there were hundreds of sharks between them and land. Without a word the lawyer took off! As he swam the sharks move aside. The dentist yelled, " it's a miracle!"
" No" , said the doctor, " That's professional courtesy!"

--
>>Keep Flying, Stay Shiny, and lets get that Gorram Trilogy<<
>>>>>>>We will rise again, you cant stop the signal<<<<<<<<<<

310. Posted by PirateDani (Budding Member 153 posts) 9y

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did for years he guided merchant ships all over the world.

Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe.

In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:

Port Left, Starboard Right.

--
>>Keep Flying, Stay Shiny, and lets get that Gorram Trilogy<<
>>>>>>>We will rise again, you cant stop the signal<<<<<<<<<<

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