A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a Coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
“I'll have the same,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a Coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.96.
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
”That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
To celebrate the launch of gay marriages Ikea have just started selling Lesbian beds.
There's no screwing , just tongue in groove!
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest asks. They say, Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know, I have two male talking parrots, that I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are ! sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
" Thank you," the woman said , "this may be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
A panda walks into a bar. He orders a pint and a pubmeal.
He finishes his meal, gets up, shoots the waiter, and then walks out without paying.
The barman runs after him, shouting "Hey! What was that all about!"
"Look it up," the panda replies, casually strolling off.
The barman takes out his Encyclopedia Brittannica, looks it up, and, sure enough, it indeed says:
"Panda - eats shoots and leaves".
There is an Englishman, a Welshman, an Irishman, and an American standing on top of a huge skyscraper.
The American says to the other three:
"I bet you that if I ran and jumped off this building right now that the wind currents are so strong they would lift me back up into the air and i could glide back over safely back on top of the building."
The Englisman and Welshman exclaimed: "No way!"
The American then takes a running leap and jumps off the building, starts doing summersaults and back flips threw the air and just as he is getting close the ground the wind lifts him back up and sets him safely back on top of the building.
The Englishman and Welsman are amazed.
The Welshman then says:
Well if the American can do it then i can surely do it"
He runs and jumps off the building and falls to his death into the street below.
The Englishman then says:
"What happened, why did he not float back up like you did?"
The American responds:
"You have to wait right before the next wind current, he jumped at the wrong time."
The Englishman then waited after a few gusts to get his timing right, and when he knew he had it down, he ran and leaped, but still fell to his death.
The Irishman then says to the American:
"Superman, you are a real bast*rd when you are pissed!"
A woman sitting at a roadhouse in Top Springs, Northern Territory suddenly
began to cough while eating a giant outback steak.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress and
two jackaroos at the next table turned to look at her. "Can ya swalla?"
asked one of the jackaroos.
The woman signaled 'No', desperately shaking her head. "Can ya breathe?"
asked the other.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shook her head 'No.' with that,
the first jackaroo walked over to her, lifted up the back of her skirt,
yanked down her panties, and slowly ran his tongue Up and Down the woman's butt
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew
out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. The jackaroo slowly
walked back over to his table and proudly took another drink of his VB.
His partner said in admiration, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind
Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."
Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news, "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
What Johnny thinks
Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny , Fred'd little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft.
After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study.
After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46 and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
...with apologies to our neighbors to the North.....
Old i know but:
A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"
"We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"
"We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "No dear, it's because your 25.