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Joke of the day.

Travel Forums Off Topic Joke of the day.

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321. Posted by Clarabell (Travel Guru 1696 posts) 9y

What do you call a Spanish footballer with no legs?

Gracias

322. Posted by beerman (Respected Member 1631 posts) 9y

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything insight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey is doing now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.

323. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

True love.

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right
away.

She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up took off his
towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck
gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple this was
followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position before he again
straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more
demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic
diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as
we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing
laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one
end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching
the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breaststroke, even butterfly!

After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back
out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No" she said,

"I was a hooker in Govan and I worked both sides of the Clyde ."

324. Posted by Hien (Moderator 3906 posts) 9y

Jase, I think you're having a serious memory problem there. Do you remember posting the True Love joke three days ago, here?

325. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 9y

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees"! "What powerful rivers"! "What beautiful animals"! He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground, rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice cameout of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

326. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

Quoting Hien

Jase, I think you're having a serious memory problem there. Do you remember posting the True Love joke three days ago, here?

NO,
try this then:
There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one
was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the
most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical
thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about
what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I
could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty.
I'll pray for you!

327. Posted by PirateDani (Budding Member 153 posts) 9y

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

--
>>Keep Flying, Stay Shiny, and lets get that Gorram Trilogy<<
>>>>>>>We will rise again, you cant stop the signal<<<<<<<<<<

328. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5077 posts) 9y

What do you call a donkey with three legs?

A wonkey.

329. Posted by PirateDani (Budding Member 153 posts) 9y

A lady on a cruise bought a parrot on an island stop and took it back to the ship. After two days at sea the lady found her new friend laying on its back - feet pointed straight up.

She hailed the ship's doctor, "Please help my friend," wailed the lady. "I'm sorry the bird is quite dead" said the doc. "No, no..it can't be", cried the lady.

The doctor called in his own pet, a Labrador retriever, which sniffed the bird, shook his head and walked out.

Next, the doctor called in his cat which carefully walked a circle around the bird and walked out.

"No doubt about it ", said the doctor, "That is a dead bird."

The doctor reached for his pen and pad. He wrote out a bill and handed it to the lady. "Eight Hundred dollars!?" cried the lady.

"Yes mam, your charges are for three procedures. There is my opinion, a lab report and a cat scan.

--
>>Keep Flying, Stay Shiny, and lets get that Gorram Trilogy<<
>>>>>>>We will rise again, you cant stop the signal<<<<<<<<<<

330. Posted by TrekSouth (Budding Member 32 posts) 9y

What do you get when you cross a University of Washington student with a pig?

A: Nothing. There's just some things a pigs not going to do.

GO COUGS

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