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Joke of the day.

Travel Forums Off Topic Joke of the day.

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331. Posted by Utrecht (Moderator 5595 posts) 9y

What does the rooster and the blonde girl say in the morning:

Rooster: cockalido
Blonde girl: any cock'll do

332. Posted by Clarabell (Travel Guru 1696 posts) 9y

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom,
cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

333. Posted by foxxy (Budding Member 26 posts) 9y

Ten dollars for taking my time

334. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

Subject: mechanical detailing - contract
My client, based in Nottingham, is looking for a CAD draughtsman with
AutoCAD experience and skills doing mechanical detailing for a 3 - 6 month contract paying between £10 - 14p/h.

If this sounds of interest please call me on 0118 902 **** or forward your contact details and up-to-date CV.
Regards
N Hixson
Premier Engineering

------------------------------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nick

Please find attached a copy of my CV for your client.
I have deleted the last 20 years experience from it, which makes my last
job back in 1987, making it appropriate to the historical time period you
are quoting rates for.

If necessary, I could add some of my grandfather's experiences as a riveter
on invasion barges during the Second World War as my own, if this would
help lower the rates even further.
I look forward to your reply, as I just love a trip down memory lane, and
would love to work in the "good old days" again.

p.s. Please reply by Telex in future as email probably hasn't been invented

yet

335. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

Chuck is 82 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.
Every night after dinner, Chuck goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to Sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Elaine, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and Before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Chuck turns to Elaine and asks, "Do You know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?"
"Sex!!" he replies. Elaine exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun To your head!"

"I know," Chuck says, "but it would be nice if a woman could
Just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Elaine, who unzips his trousers, removes his
Manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they Would sit and talk and Elaine would hold Chuck's manhood.
Then one night Chuck didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Elaine decided to find Chuck and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by The pool with Margaret, another female resident, who was holding Chuck's Manhood!
Furious, Elaine yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Margaret have that I don't have?"
Old Chuck smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."

336. Posted by Fun Bobby (Budding Member 115 posts) 9y

I slept like a baby last night!

I shit myself 4 times

337. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5077 posts) 9y

I went to buy camouflage trousers at the weekend but I couldn't find any.

338. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5077 posts) 9y

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

339. Posted by Gelli (Travel Guru 2457 posts) 9y

At the moment, joke of the day is the England cricket team...

340. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to molest us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
I'll pray for you!

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