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Joke of the day.

Travel Forums Off Topic Joke of the day.

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341. Posted by Hien (Moderator 3906 posts) 9y

A man was praying to god.

He said, "God ?"

God responded, "Yes?"

And the Guy said, " Can I ask a question?"

"Go right ahead", God said.

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God said, "A million years to me is only a second."

The man wondered.

Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."

So the man said, "God can I have a penny?"

And God cheerfully said,

"Sure!....... just a second."

342. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

What do you call a dwarf that falls into a cement mixer?

A wee hard man

Why wasn't Jesus born in Glasgow ?

They couldn't find a virgin or three wise men.

What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe ?

Wee Shooey.

What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe and can't find his dog ?

Wee Shooey Douglas.

A guy walks into a GP's surgery. "Doctor, Doctor! He cries , "you've got to help me, I feel like I'm turning into coconut"

Says the doctor, "You're bountae "

What did Dracula get when he came to Glasgow ?

A bat in the mouth.

There were three coos in a field. Which wan wis oan its hoalidays

The wan wi a wee calf.

What do you call an illegitimate insect ?

A fly bastart.

Hear about the lonely prisoner ?

He was in his cell.

What famous costume drama TV series of the 1970's was named after a queue for the toilet ?

The Aw Needin Line.

The man in the clothes shop insisting on a maroon jacket.

"Fur ma roon shooders"

Hear about the stupit skindiver?

He didny have a scuba.

Did you hear about the London criminal who fell foul of the Glasgow Mafia?

Apparently they made him an offer he couldn't understand

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a social worker ?

Ye can get yer wean back aff a Rottweiler

What do you call a Glasgow Sikh who enjoys karaoke ?

Gupty Singh

Two Glesga boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding. "Ach, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night... Archie nods approvingly. "Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock. "A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's grand, you'll look pure smart in that! "And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."

A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. 'Wonderful. Whit part is it?' she asks

The boy says, " I play the part of the Scottish husband " . The mother scowls and says, 'Go back an' tell that teacher you want a speaking part!

A wee woman from Glasgow's west-end was staying in a hotel in Edinburgh, she phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

"Toilet pepper!" yelled the woman

343. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5077 posts) 9y

344. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

Quoting mikeyBoab

345. Posted by tway (Travel Guru 7273 posts) 9y

Does anyone understand the first joke in this thread? It's almost as incomprehensible as those Scottish jokes.

346. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

A very loud, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her
two kids yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice
children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they
ain't twins. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 6. Why the hell would you think they are twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the Greeter.
"I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

347. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve,
Bruce and Bluey.

Steve loses his balance, falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go
and tell his wife."

Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do
it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.

"That's unbelievable; you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you a crate of beer?"

"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said
to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."

348. Posted by wotthefiqh (Inactive 1447 posts) 9y

Quoting Jase007

A wee Aberdonian boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. 'Wonderful. Whit part is it?' she asks

The boy says, " I play the part of the Scottish husband " . The mother scowls and says, 'Go back an' tell that teacher you want a speaking part!

I can relate to that.
Great Aussie joke about the Fosters.

Check this one out.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/6619077.stm

A nutter being nuttered.

349. Posted by james (Travel Guru 4136 posts) 9y

Quoting Jase007

A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing beat says,

"Well, that's great..........that's really great.......... Some asshole's got my pen.

I like!

Did you hear about the Irish Circumciser?
He slipped and got the sack.

350. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

This is a true story, it's a belter . . . . .

The Glasgow train from Queen St to Bishopbriggs was very busy.

At the next stop a midget got on, an actual, proper wee dwarf midget
with a Victoria Wines carry-oot bag.

It was quite busy on the train, there was no room for his bag on the
seat beside him, he was looking up at the overhead rack.

A good Samaritan was kind enough to say "Would you like me to put
that up for you mate?"

"Yes please" he said, and it was done.

But it wasn't up right and when the train moved, a half bottle of
Vodka fell out the bag and smashed on the floor.

The midget stood up, his face red with rage, the inspector came along
To see what was going on.
The inspector asked if it was his bag,

The midget says "Aye...and Ah'm no happy !!.

A voice from the back of the carriage shouts out

" Well . . . . . . . which one are you then ?"

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