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Joke of the day.

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351. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today; I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

352. Posted by Pardus (Respected Member 2356 posts) 9y

Quoting Jase007

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

The fact that I get that joke makes me feel old...

353. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORT INITIATIVE - MAY 2006

Due to the nature of the poor quality of driving in England the Department of Transport has devised a scheme in order to identify poor drivers on our roads and to give good drivers the opportunity to recognise them whilst driving.

From the middle of May 2006 those drivers who are found to be driving badly, and which includes any or all of the following:

- overtaking in dangerous places
- hovering with 25mm [1 inch] of the car in front ;
- stopping sharply ;
- speeding in residential areas ;
- pulling out without indicating ;
- performing U-turns inappropriately in busy high streets ;
- undertaking on Motorways and ;
- taking up more than one lane on Multi-lane roads

will be issued with flags, white with a red cross, to signify their inability to drive properly.

These flags MUST be clipped to a door of the car and be visible to ALL other drivers and pedestrians.

Those drivers who have shown particular poor driving skills will have to display a flag on EACH side of the car in order to indicate their greater lack of skill and general lower intelligence to the general public.

Please circulate this notice to as many other motorists as you can so that drivers and pedestrians will be aware of the meaning of these flags.

Department of Transport.

354. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

From the Daily Record. These are nicknames in use that have been given to Glasgow characters by their friends and workmates..

Norrie Two Bunnets - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap.
The Colostomy - the girlfriend of a married man (ie. the wee bag on the side).
Two Soups - his real name is Campbell Baxter.
The Boomerang Kid - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: "I'll get back to you on that."
The Man from Del Monte - purportedly a ladies' man, but everyone suspects it's the fruits that make him say: "Yes!"
The Parachute - lets everyone down at the last minute.
Cashline - an experienced young lass who's open 24 hours a day.
Vaseline - his real name is Willie Burns.
Rembrandt - loves saying to colleagues: "Let me put you in the picture..."
Bernard Caliper - a keen golfer with a leg iron.
Bo Derek - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.
Brewer's Droop - his real name is Willie Falls.
Elmer - according to his mates, this guy is a real Fudd.
Harvey Smith - a skinflint who regularly enjoys a clear round at the bar.
The Genie - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.
The Marksman - when it's his turn to buy a round, he always shoots the craw.
Dulux - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.
Polyfilla - his real name is Phil McCracken.
The Mounty - whenever there's a carry-out on the go, he always gets his can.
Soapy - washes his hands of any problems that crop up.
Captain Hook - continually late for work, it's believed he must be scared of the alarm clock.
Wolfy - fond of a right good bevvy, he's always howling.
The Yeti - always on the sick, there have been many unconfirmed sightings of this guy, but nobody can prove he actually exists.

The Gas Man - he's serviced loads of old boilers.
Charlton Heston - an incredibly slow fitter who turns every job into an epic.
The Hostage - when anyone asks for help he always replies: "Sorry, my hands are tied."
The Chernobyl Jannie - during the mid-Eighties this guy had a really bad complexion.
The Woodpecker - he's always tapping.
Mussolini - a woman in an office in Glasgow who has rather loose morals (aka the great dicktaker)
Fantastic stuff. Any more crackers to add to the list?

355. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5077 posts) 9y

Important Rules For Men

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

356. Posted by wouterrr (Travel Guru 3379 posts) 9y

357. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive young woman
waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the
father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he
has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you one of
the strippers from my bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool
table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt
with wet celery?
She look at him sideways,

"No, I'm your son's teacher."

358. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5077 posts) 9y

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says "hey, why the long face?"

359. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma "

360. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5077 posts) 9y

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

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