I rang the local Rambler's Association today, and the guy just went on and on and on...
I rang the local Rambler's Association today, and the guy just went on and on and on...
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I phoned the local builders today; I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
Hey Jase, I got sent that email too.....
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
A man goes into confession and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "Listen, I'm bursting for the toilet here. I know this is an unusual request, but, wuold you mind jumping round to this side to cover for me while I go?" The man says "But father, I'm not trained to hear confessions." "No, no, no" says the priest, "It's really very easy. There's a chart on the back of door here. When the confessor tells you his sin, just look it up on the chart and it tells you the penance."
So, the guy agrees to stand in for the priest while he nips to the bathroom. After a few minutes, he hears the door of the confession box open and a woman says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned". "Erm, ok" he replies. "What did you do?" "I am a married woman, but last week I got drunk at a bar and kissed a strange man." So, the "priest" looks at the chart "Ah yes," he whispers to himself "adultery - minor. There it is." He says to the woman "Say ten "Hail Marys" and four "Our Fathers" and you will be absolved. So, the woman goes away.
After a while, he hears the door open again, and a man says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." Our "priest" is starting to enjoy himself and gets into the role a bit "Ah yes, my child, and what was your sin?" "I stole some money from the petty cash tin at work." So, our friend looks at the chart on the door. "Ah yes," he whispers to himself "theft - There it is." "My beloved child," he tells the man "say twelve "Hail Marys", fourteen "Our Fathers" and give the same amount of money to charity. So, away the man goes.
After another short while, he hears the door open again. A woman’s voice says “Forgive me father, for I have sinned” “Oh, beloved child of God!” the actor bellows. “And what disgrace have you brought upon yourself?” “I know it was wrong” the woman replies, “but I couldn’t help myself – I gave my boyfriend a blowjob.”
Quite stunned, the false priest looks for the word “blowjob” on the chart – nothing. Fellatio, perhaps? Nothing. Oral sex? Not a mention. So, he says to the woman, “my child, excuse me for a minute.” He jumps out of the confession box to see if he can find a real priest to ask about the penance, but the only other person in the church is one of the alter boys. So he goes over and says “Hey, young man, tell me – what does the priest usually give you for a blow job?” The boy looks at him and replies “Two mars bars and a can of coke.”
A Man's Shopping Tale.....
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was
standing in the queue at the till.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it
works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by
now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been
sitting in the road licking my balls when a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid moo..........why else would I buy dog food??
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say
that before, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,"You're cute."
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform.
Terry had married a woman from America , and bragged that he had told his new wife to do all the dishes and house cleaning in the house.
He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were cleaned and put away.
James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.
The third man said the he had married a Scottish girl. He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table everyday.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper.
He's not joking, you need to be really careful around here.
As a boat is about to sink, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces: "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks: "Is there someone on this ship who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says: "Here, iron this!".
[ Edit: Edited on Jun 5, 2007, at 6:10 AM by mikeyBoab ]
When Insults Had Class:
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” -- Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” -- Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” -- Groucho Marx
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” -- Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” -- Oscar Wilde
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... If you have one.” -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill... followed by Churchill’s response:
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one.” -- Winston Churchill
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” -- Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” -- John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” -- Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” -- Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” -- Paul Keating
“He had delusions of adequacy.” -- Walter Kerr
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” -- Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” -- Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” -- Oscar Wilde
Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, “Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!” Winston replied, “Madam if I were your husband I would drink it!”