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Joke of the day.

Travel Forums Off Topic Joke of the day.

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381. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

One morning while making breakfast, an Irishman walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose. "While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother"

382. Posted by marlis (Travel Guru 1167 posts) 9y

383. Posted by zbdalisay (Budding Member 3 posts) 9y

LOL \m/ get rid of thy neighbours too...

384. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your arse, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw. Stupid, stupid man

385. Posted by marlis (Travel Guru 1167 posts) 9y

386. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response:

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the
arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
Don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina

387. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5077 posts) 9y

My course tutor told me this one yesterday:

What do you call the guy who comes bottom of his class in medical school?

Doctor.

388. Posted by Utrecht (Moderator 5596 posts) 9y

French girl and English boy are sitting on the couch.

French girl: 'Je t'adore'
English boy: 'Why, are you cold?'

389. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5077 posts) 9y

Quoting Utrecht

French girl and English boy are sitting on the couch.

French girl: 'Je t'adore'
English boy: 'Why, are you cold?'

Excellent!!!

A man is sent to hell as punishment for his sins. A demon is leading him to his cell. On the way, they pass a cell with the door open, where he sees Jase007 bonking a seriously hot blonde chick. "That's so unfair", says the man. "I have to roast for all eternity for my sins, but he gets to have sex with that gorgeous girl" "Silence!" says the demon "Who are you to question her punishment?"

390. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

In keeping with the new UK regulations,

Glasgow Airport Authority would like to remind all fanatical passengers that they must extinguish themselves & vehicles prior to entering the Terminal Building.

And that vehicles are not allowed inside the building.

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