The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday, ahead of this weekend's Grand Prix.
The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of The British Government's "Work for the Dole" scheme and employ Scousers. The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Merseyside were able to remove a set of wheels in less than six seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's Existing crew could only do it in eight seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice, not only was the Scouse pit crew able to change the Tyres in under six seconds but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle over to the McLaren team for eight Cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.
Two nuns are cycling through an old Belgian town.
First nun: "Do you often come this way?"
Second nun: "No, it must be the cobblestones"
Men In Heaven
When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise , God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
Dave is playing darts in a local pub knockout competition, he needs a big score to put his opponent under real pressure. The first dart hits single twenty, the second dart hits trebble twenty, when all of a sudden two nuns walk in shaking their collection tins and asking for donations. The third dart hits the wire and sticks in a nuns head, killing her instantly. The barman with the microphone calls out ''ONE NUN DEAD AND EIGHTY''.
Woof woof woof
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."
Where poo comes from?
A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning where her Daddy is reading the paper.
"Where does poo come from?" she asks.
Father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yes," answers the girl.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."
The little girl looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:
Scottish man walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a
pool with his hand.
The Scottish man shouts
" Awa ye feel hoor thats full O coos Sharn "
(Don't drink the water ya fool, it's full of cow s ** t.)
The man shouts back
"I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you".
The Scottish man shouts back
"Use both hands, you'll get more in."
"Lord, it is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc....she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more " symmetrically balanced", as she put it.
"That is a fair point", replied God. "But it was my first shot at this you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
"Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied. "But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought about this for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now, let's see...where did I put that useless tit?"
NOW THAT MAKES MORE SENSE THAN THAT RIB STUFF!
"The Modern Man's Guide to Understanding His Wife"
WIFESPEAK ENGLISH EQUIVALENT
--------- ------- ----------
- You want <==> You want
- We need <==> I want
- It's your decision <==> The right decision should be obvious by now
- Do what you want <==> You'll pay for this later
- We need to talk <==> I need to complain
- Sure,... go ahead <==> I don't want you to
- I'm hungry <==> (a) Make me something to eat
(b) Stop what you are doing, scrape together
your last $$, and go drive across town
and get me something to eat. ... I don't
care if what you are doing is important.
- I'm not upset <==> Of course I'm upset, you moron
- You're,... so manly <==> You need a shave and you sweat a lot
- You're certainly <==> Is sex all you ever think about?
- I'm not emotional! <==> I'm having my period
And I'm not over-
- Be romantic, turn <==> I have flabby thighs
out the lights.
- This kitchen is so <==> I want a new house
- The car is empty <==> Go fill it up
- The trash is full <==> Take it out
- The dog is barking <==> Go outside in your underwear and see what is
- I want new curtains <==> and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
- I need wedding shoes <==> the other 40 pair are the wrong shade of white
- Hang the picture <==> NO! I mean hang it there!
- I heard a noise <==> I noticed you were almost asleep
- Do you love me? <==> I'm going to ask for something expensive
- How much do you love <==> I did something today you're really not going
me? to like
In answer to "What's Wrong?"
- Nothing <==> Everything
- Everything <==> My PMS is acting up
- Nothing, really <==> It's just that you're such an asshole
- I don't want to talk <==> Go away, I'm still building up steam.
Three boys are in the playground bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says:
"You two know nothing about fast. My father is an Engineer. He stops working at 6:30pm and he is home by 3:45pm"!!
Two new pornmovies were introduced lately:
Shaving Ryan's privates and Fill Jill
Son asks his mother the question, "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."