Three boys are in the playground bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says:
"You two know nothing about fast. My father is an Engineer. He stops working at 6:30pm and he is home by 3:45pm"!!
Erm....I know I may be thick, but I don't get it.....
Erm....I know I may be thick, but I don't get it.....
Oh sweet Clara, just as well your a nurse
I Not Come to Work
Hung Chow calls Paddy where he works and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach-ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
Paddy says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again, "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
Channel Tunnel Tender
When the Channel Tunnel was under consideration, a request went out for tenders for the construction. International companies sent in quotes but the lowest came from the Reilly Brothers of Sligo - total cost £150.
'How can you tender for such a low amount?' inquired the government official.
'Well,' replied Reilly, 'it's because there'll be two of us digging at the same time. One from France and one from England and we meet up in the middle.
'But,' said the government man, 'you've only got to be one centimetre out and you'll miss each other completely.'
'In that case,' said Reilly, 'you'll get two tunnels for the price of one!'
A Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says "Is this some kind of joke?"
note to our American friends - all temperatures are in degrees celsius. Yes, there are other ways
20 degrees -- New Yorkers turn on the heat. People in Scotland plant gardens.
15 degrees -- Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Scotland sunbathe.
10 degrees -- Italian cars won't start. People in Scotland drive with the windows down.
5 degrees -- Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.
2 degrees -- Californians begin to evacuate the state. People in Scotland go swimming.
Zero degrees -- New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Scotland have the last bbq before it gets cold.
10 degrees below zero -- People in Miami cease to exist. People in Scotland lick flagpoles.
20 degrees below zero -- Californians emigrate to Mexico. People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.
80 degrees below zero -- Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Scottish Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
100 degrees below zero -- Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in Scotland pull down their ear flaps.
173 degrees below zero -- Ethyl alcohol freezes. People in Scotland get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs.
297 degrees below zero -- Microbial life start to disappear. Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 degrees below zero -- ALL atomic motion stops. People in Scotland start saying "chilly, you call an aw?"
500 degrees below zero -- Hell freezes over. Aberdeen win the Cup.
Two new pornmovies were introduced lately:
Shaving Ryan's privates and Fill Jill
You forgot Batman and Throbbing
Summary of Life
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask
you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
doctor says to patient 'sir im afraid your going to have to give up wanking!' patient asks why? doctor says 'cause im trying to examine you!!'
My local butcher told me i could have eight legs of venison for £25, does anyone know if this is too dear...