Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.
Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.
Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling
Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A. You know she'll swallow.
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie,"only you do it yourself.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned
Bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt
you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In
fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours.
I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what
you are so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit." "Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the Bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you've a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone in senior management.
And I was so sure that joke was going to be filthy before I read it!!
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: 'Ddddooo youuuu hhhave ddddildosss?'
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models.'
The old woman then asks: 'Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?'
The clerk responds, 'Yes we do'.
'Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?
A South African gold miner loses his leg in a mining accident and is sat in hospital talking to his mate.
"Well that's me f*cked, who on earth's going to want a one legged gold digger?"
His mate replies "Well, you could try Paul McCartney"
A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie.
The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her backside.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it"!
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying down in bed. He says 'Look, this is the pig i have to shag when you're not up for it.' His wife says 'I think you'll find that is not a pig.' The husband replies 'I think you'll find I was'nt talking to you.'
Three boys are in the playground bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says:
"You two know nothing about fast. My father is a Piping Designer. He stops working at 6:30pm and he is home by 3:45pm"!!
A ship crashes.
A few survivors make it to the desert island.
Two English men and one English woman
Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
Six months pass on our little ydillic island in the middle of nowhere.
After six months:
The one Italian man has killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two English men are still waiting to be introduced to the English woman.
The two French men and the French woman have set up house together and are living in a menage a trois.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
The two Irish men and the Irish woman immediatley set about dividing the island into a North side and a South side. They them proceeded to brew coconut whisky. They aren't too sure if sex is in the picture because things get a bit foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky, but at least the know the British aren't getting any.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the deep dark ocean, one look at the Bulgarian woman, and have started swimming.
DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORT INITIATIVE - MAY 2006
Due to the nature of the poor quality of driving in England the Department of Transport has devised a scheme in order to identify poor drivers on our roads and to give good drivers the opportunity to recognise them whilst driving.
From the middle of May 2006 those drivers who are found to be driving badly, and which includes any or all of the following:
- overtaking in dangerous places
- hovering with 25mm [1 inch] of the car in front ;
- stopping sharply ;
- speeding in residential areas ;
- pulling out without indicating ;
- performing U-turns inappropriately in busy high streets ;
- undertaking on Motorways and ;
- taking up more than one lane on Multi-lane roads
will be issued with flags, white with a red cross, to signify their inability to drive properly.
These flags MUST be clipped to a door of the car and be visible to ALL other drivers and pedestrians.
Those drivers who have shown particular poor driving skills will have to display a flag on EACH side of the car in order to indicate their greater lack of skill and general lower intelligence to the general public.
Please circulate this notice to as many other motorists as you can so that drivers and pedestrians will be aware of the meaning of these flags.
Department of Transport.