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Joke of the day.

Travel Forums Off Topic Joke of the day.

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411. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

As Ben Franklin said:

" In wine there is wisdom, in beer there
is freedom, in water there is bacteria. "

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have
demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed more
than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in
faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop !!

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine &
beer (or scotch, tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor,
especially Bombay Sapphire Gin) because alcohol has to go through
a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or
fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop !!........., Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to
drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.

412. Posted by strayalien (Budding Member 120 posts) 9y

There is a new kind of super sensitive condom just out in Aus.
It hangs around and talks to the chick when your done.

413. Posted by biz e (Budding Member 9 posts) 9y

lol

414. Posted by TunaOK (Budding Member 107 posts) 9y

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at
his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young
blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment
and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he
rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time
she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex
finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to
him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,
Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength,
he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing
and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his
head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You
finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No,
I Norwegian."

415. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final.
As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event, and not use it?"

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married.

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral..."

416. Posted by opospa (Travel Guru 1836 posts) 9y

There are 3 men in a dessert somewhere in Africa. Their plane crashes and only 3 of them manage to survive. 1 American, 1 French and 1 Chinese. So they walk for miles. And they found a lamp midle of nowhere.

They rubbd on it and a huge ginnie appears and gv each of them 3 choices. So the American choose to have Money, Ladies and Back home to the US. The French has choosen the same as the American but this Chinese man here just want Chinese Beers and a Russian Vodka and bring back his American and French buddies so that he will not be lonely and enjoy the alcohols with him.

So everything went back to square one. These 2 western men were so angry at him and they finally found a lamp which is slightly smaller. And they rubbd on it again and this time a smaller ginnie appears. He only can give each of them 2 choices. So the American and French askd the Chinese to tell the ginnie what he wants first so that the earlier incident wont happens again. And the Chinese told the ginnie that he wants a Beer and since he already has his 2 mates with him, he told the ginnie that ‘ You may go now’. So, that 2 poor men still hav to accompany their Asian friend.

417. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

Get yer Yen out quick
Never mind what is happening at Northern Wreck , look how Japan has been affected .
September 2007 NEW YORK (Rooters) - Japanese Banking crisis continues on back of US Sub Prime collapse.
The knock on from the US sub prime market in Japan shows no signs of letting up.
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cutback some of its branches.

Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and more than likely will go for a song.
Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank also got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff fear they may get a raw deal.

418. Posted by Kathi20 (Respected Member 270 posts) 9y

found it in a magazine in South Africa:

'Church signs/letters etc.'

The cost of attending the National Prayer and Fasting Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus walks on Water’. The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus’

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping. Don’t forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to conflict.

I.Jones and J.Smith were married on 24.October in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their schooldays.

At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be: ‘What is hell?’ Come early and listen to the Choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are needed due to the addition of new members and the deterioration of some older ones.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet on Thursday ay 7pm. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Hamlet in the church basement on Fri at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend the tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 6pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

419. Posted by Kathi20 (Respected Member 270 posts) 9y

The Mommy test

A woman is walking with her 3 year old son, when he picks up something off the ground and is about to put it in his mouth.
‘Don’t do that,’ she says sternly. ‘Why’, he asks. ‘Because it’s been lying on the ground- it’s dirty and full of germs,’ she says.
The boy looks at her with admiration and asks ‘How do u know all this stuff?’ ‘All Mums know these things’. ‘Oh, I see. It’s the Mummy test. You have to pass it, before u can be a Mommy.’
They walked along in silence, but he’s obviously still pondering this because eventually he says, “I get it! If you don’t pass the test you have to be the daddy!’

420. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

Ok, i've posted some trash jokes, and here are a few more.
Sexiest, but funny (hey i'm an equal oppertunity pisstaker )

The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at
cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

One for the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."

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