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Joke of the day.

Travel Forums Off Topic Joke of the day.

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421. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5077 posts) 9y

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "I'll tell you what. There are two pieces of meat up on the top shelf of the bookcase over there. If you can get them down, I'll buy you a drink. If not, you buy me a drink." The man thinks about it and shakes his head. "No, no chance. The steaks are too high."

422. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

Bad start to a morning......

On the way to the office this morning, I ran into the back of the car in
front of me. Somehow I knew it was going to be a bad day.

The driver got out of the other car and he was a
dwarf...................... poor bast*rd.

He looked at his dented car and then looked up at me and said; "I'm not
happy"

I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

That's how the fight started...

423. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5077 posts) 9y

Sorry to hear that Jase, I've had a great morning.

I wanted to jump into the shop to buy a newspaper on my way to work but there were no parking spaces. I had to park in a disabled spot and I was standing about wondering if it would be okay and I decided to chance it. Someone must've seen me swithering because when I got back they had left a note on my windshield saying "Parking Fine". So that was nice . . .

424. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

A Man's Shopping Tale.....

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was
standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it
works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by
now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been
sitting in the road licking my balls when a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid moo..........why else would I buy dog food??

425. Posted by Clarabell (Travel Guru 1696 posts) 9y

Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject liquid Ecstasy directly into their mouths.

This dangerous process is known as 'E by gum'

426. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5077 posts) 9y

I had to go to the doctor the other day because I had a strawberry stuck up my nose. He said "I'll give you some cream for that."

427. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

An Irishman went into a pizza parlour in Dublin.

The waiter said: "Would you like you pizza cut in six or eight slices, sir?"

"Make it six, I don't think I can eat eight."

428. Posted by Utrecht (Moderator 5596 posts) 9y

A Belgian goes to the postoffice and asks for two stamps of 50 cents.

The guy at the postoffice hands them over to the Belgian.

"O, I forgot to ask" says the Belgian: "Can you wipe out the price, it is a present".

429. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course,
the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the
biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self."

Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

430. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 9y

A duck walks in to a bar. It goes up to the bar tender and asks “got any bread”? The bar tender replies, “No”?

Duck: Got any bread

Bar tender: No

Duck: Got any bread

The bar tender, surprised at this repetition says, “no”.

Annoyingly the duck repeats his question and asks “got any bread”?

The bar tender, understandingly angry says “Look! If you don’t stop f*cking asking that same stupid question, I’m gonna nail your f*cking beak to the bar”!

The duck, undeterred, asks “got any nails”?

Bar tender: NO!!!!

Duck: Got any bread?

A duck walks in to a bar. It goes up to the bar tender and asks “got any bread”? The bar tender replies, “No”?

Duck: Got any bread

Bar tender: No

Duck: Got any bread

The bar tender, surprised at this repetition says, “no”.

Annoyingly the duck repeats his question and asks “got any bread”?

The bar tender, understandingly angry says “Look! If you don’t stop f*cking asking that same stupid question, I’m gonna nail your f*cking beak to the bar”!

The duck, undeterred, asks “got any nails”?

Bar tender: NO!!!!

Duck: Got any bread?

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