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Joke of the day.

Travel Forums Off Topic Joke of the day.

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431. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 8y

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker.
"10" replies the Essex girl.
"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne
and Wayne."
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or
WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..." "What if you want to speak to
one individually?" says the perturbed council worker. "That's easy,"
says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames."

[ Edit: Edited on Oct 27, 2007, at 5:44 PM by Jase007 ]

432. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 8y

When the cargo ship, Napolie, partially sank off the southern coast of England, there was a media frenzy about all of the people rushing to the beach to take away all of the “free” items which washed up.

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were sitting in a local pub when the news broke.

The Englishman jumped up, ran to the beach and opened the first container to find the latest BMW motorcycle.

The Scotsman did the same, and discovered a container carrying several boxes of pricelss, vintage whiskey.

45 minutes past, and the Englishman and Scotsman saw the Irishman turn up with skip on the back of a lorry.

Wondering what the Irishman had discovered, they both wondered over to see what he had claimed as his own, only to find that he had taken 6 tonnes of gravel and sand.

433. Posted by RANDEEP (Budding Member 2 posts) 8y

Recently, I was travelling with a honeymoon couple from United Kingdom. When we were moving from Jaipur to Agra our cab driver cracked 1 joke like this:-

He was talking to young lady: Mam, do you know why Shahjahan build TAJ MAHAL ?
She said : No:(

Driver informed her : Because he loved very much to her, hence, after her death in her memory he build TAJ MAHAL.

After listening this. Young lady asked her husband, would you also build TAJ MAHAL for me ?

Her husband said : (with a smiling face) ;)First you die later I'll decide ? :)

434. Posted by Purdy (Travel Guru 3546 posts) 8y

Quoting Jase007

When the cargo ship, Napolie, partially sank off the southern coast of England, there was a media frenzy about all of the people rushing to the beach to take away all of the “free” items which washed up.

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were sitting in a local pub when the news broke.

The Englishman jumped up, ran to the beach and opened the first container to find the latest BMW motorcycle.

The Scotsman did the same, and discovered a container carrying several boxes of pricelss, vintage whiskey.

45 minutes past, and the Englishman and Scotsman saw the Irishman turn up with skip on the back of a lorry.

Wondering what the Irishman had discovered, they both wondered over to see what he had claimed as his own, only to find that he had taken 6 tonnes of gravel and sand.

Oh HA l say HA HA

435. Posted by Utrecht (Moderator 5595 posts) 8y

How do you call a smart blond girl?
..A golden retriever

Why is a blond girl not able to waterski?
...as soon as she feels anything wet she will spread her legs

[ Edit: Edited on Oct 28, 2007, at 12:46 PM by Utrecht ]

436. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 8y

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did...

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter!!

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch and It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!

437. Posted by daveh (Travel Guru 1027 posts) 8y

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.
As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."

Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it!"

Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"

Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."

Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."

Guy: "Cool!"

Satan: "What about Drugs?"

Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"

Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."

Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan: "You gay?"

Guy: "Hell No..."

Satan: " Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

438. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5077 posts) 8y

What do you get if you cross an insomniac with a dyslexic and an agnostic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a Dog.

439. Posted by Hien (Moderator 3906 posts) 8y

Perfect Wife

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, a good cook, and great in bed... But the law allows only one wife...

440. Posted by Mel. (Travel Guru 4567 posts) 8y

Quoting mahmud

Policeman's Wife : The man threw a stone to you and did not tel him anything?

Policeman : How could I do darling? Because I have no duty then!

Mahmud, Everytime I see this old corpse rising again I wonder if u still visit TP or is your joke lasting longer that u did?

[ Edit: Edited on Nov 28, 2007, at 7:58 AM by Mel. ]

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