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Joke of the day.

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441. Posted by arif_kool (Travel Guru 1757 posts) 8y

Priest lost his HEN, asked during mass: Anyone got a cock?
All men stood up!!!

Priest: I mean anyone seen a cock?
All women stood up!!!!

Priest: I meant anyone seen my cock?
All nuns stood up

442. Posted by lehcargiar (Budding Member 62 posts) 8y

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one.

443. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 8y

THE YEAR'S BEST HEADLINES OF 2007:
(Yes, they were really printed as seen here.)

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think so?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

444. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 8y

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese
scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength,and
lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his
way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing
with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen
table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy
man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the
table,landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted,
he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth,
seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled
on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand
was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...

"F*** off" she said, "they're for the funeral!!"

445. Posted by Purdy (Travel Guru 3546 posts) 8y

Quoting Jase007

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese
scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength,and
lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his
way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing
with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen
table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy
man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the
table,landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted,
he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth,
seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled
on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand
was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...

"F*** off" she said, "they're for the funeral!!"

446. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 8y

Story by a Man standing in a queue in Tesco's.........

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I be buying feckin dog food??

447. Posted by marlis (Travel Guru 1167 posts) 8y

the blond girl asking the waiter :what is caviar?
the waiter says: caviar is eggs from a fish.
the blond girl is thinking for a moment and then she says:Ok,I will take 2 of them!

[ Edit: Edited on Dec 13, 2007, at 9:17 AM by marlis ]

448. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 8y

CONGRATULATIONS TO
ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE ?

1940's, 50's, 60's and (early) 70's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking .


As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because...... WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

? We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem .

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on

cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents .


We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,

made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

? and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.


Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

449. Posted by marlis (Travel Guru 1167 posts) 8y

yes,SO TRUE

I know,because I'm one of this kids,born 1944

450. Posted by wotthefiqh (Inactive 1447 posts) 8y

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins.......

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