A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband,although very much in love,
couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different
kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland,
Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do and the only thing that he could
think of saying was,
"Yes, lolly pops... but at the bar... you know... they have frozen
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of
so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't
be long, I'll be right back.
I promise. OK?"
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out
5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there is swearing,
dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your Goddamn
frozen mug and eat your fucking snacks, because you are Married now, and
you aren't fucking going anywhere! Got it, Arsehole?"
.... and, they lived happily ever after.
Isn't that a sweet story?*
A man walks into a bra.
He was dyslexic.
An on duty Gendarme spots a hire car approaching the Champs Elysees with a rear light out. He beckons the driver to pull over, which he does and winds his window down. The Officer has a good look inside the car and notices that the driver and passenger are conjoined twins, Boaby & Davy.
Instead of making an issue over the light out situation he begins to engage in some friendly chat.
Gendarme: Ah, you are on holiday my friends?
Davy: Aye, that's right big yin.
We've been coming every September weekend for the last 9 years.
Gendarme: So I guess you come to France to get away from ze rainy weather you have in Ecosse?
Davy: Naw, it nearly always pishes doon when we come here.
Your weather's nae better than oors, in't that right Boaby?
Gendarme: Zen I take it you are here to enjoy our delicious French food, very healthy.
Davy: Naw, yer food's rotten big man, everything reeks of garlic. We've brought a box full of pieces to avoid eating your crap.
Gendarme: Zen you must be here to drink our famous wines and cognac, surely.
Davy: Yer swally's boggin, we've hid tae bring a kerry oot.
In't that right Boaby?
Gendarme (by now ever so slightly bemused): Well in that case you must be here to see the Parisienne madamoiselles, ze most beautiful women in Europe.
Davy: Yer kiddin in't ye!
The burds here are dogs, ah widnae touch them wae yours big yin.
Gendarme (by now rather irate): Zen why do you people come to our country if everysing ees so bad?
Boaby: It's the only chance oor Davy gets tae drive!
Have you heard the latest pop news?
Michael Jackson is getting back together again!
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better.
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang , bang'.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied "My point exactly."
A man boarded a plane at Sydney airport and, taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the aircraft. He realized she was heading straight towards his seat, and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out: 'Business trip or holiday?' She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States .'
The man swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?' 'Lecturer', she responded. 'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'
Really?' he smiled, 'What myths are those?'
'Well', she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.'
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry', she said. I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name!'
'Tonto', the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos but all my friends call me Paddy.'
The love story of Ralph and Edna.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital's swimming pool, Edna suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Ralph promptly jumped in to save her. He swam to the bottom and pulled her out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Ralph's heroic act she immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered him to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Ralph the news she said, "Ralph, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Edna hung herself in the bathroom with her bathrobe belt right after you saved her. I am so sorry, but she's dead." Ralph replied, "She didn't hang herself, I put her there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?" "98," she replied.
"Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
- *Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.**
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
"For fast relief."
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing.
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring sytem works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no purpose other than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Community Beat Officer
Dear PC ?????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department.
[ Edit: Edited on Feb 1, 2008, at 3:00 PM by Jase007 ]