Commie jokes -
1) A man dies and it is judgement day. "I am afraid you have not made it to heaven. But you can, as a special favour, have a choice of hells".
"What do you mean, a choice of hells?"
"You can go to the capitalist hell or the communist hell".
"Ok, fair enough, but what's the difference between them?"
"Well, the capitalist hell has fire and brimstone and torture."
"And the communist hell?"
"That has brimstone and torture and fire".
"I don't understand. They sound exactly the same. Which should I pick?"
"If I were you I'd choose the communist hell."
"Why should I do that?"
"Well, you know what these socialist places are like. Sometimes there's no fire, sometimes there's no brimstone, sometimes there's no torture........."
2) Leonid Brezhnev pays a state visit to France and he's given a VIP guided tour of Paris. He's conducted round the splendours of the Élysée Palace, but remains as stony-faced as ever. He's shown the masterpieces of the Louvre, but the curators fail to get any reaction out of him. He's taken to the Arc de Triomphe, but displays not the slightest interest. Eventually, the official motorcade drives him to the foot of the Eiffel Tower, where Brezhnev finally stares up in amazement and astonishment. He turns to his French hosts and asks in bewilderment: "But, Paris is a city of 9 million people... surely you need more than one watchtower?
3) Lenin dies and goes to Hell.
A couple of weeks later, God is at the fence and sees the Devil, who is looking a bit upset.
"Hey, Satan! What's wrong?"
"Oh," says Satan. "It's that Lenin character. What a pain in the arse!"
God says, "Well, I'm not very busy right now. I'll take him for a while."
Satan perks up. "You will? Thank you very much!"
He boots Lenin over.
A couple of weeks later, Satan runs into God, who is walking along in a business-like manner.
"Hey, God, how are you doing with Lenin?"
God answers, "First, that's Comrade God. Second, there is no God. Third, I can't stop to talk. I'm late for a Party meeting.
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace. "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."
"But, Nurse Tracy I can't," replied Mr. Wallace. "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
"Yes," said Nurse Tracy, "you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"
"Well," he replied, "Today is the viewing."
A Zimbabwean cop stops a driver in dowtown Harare.
The driver says 'What's the problem, officer'?
The cop says 'Our beloved leader Robert Mugabe has been kidnapped and the terrorists have vowed to soak him in petrol and set him alight if the ransom isn't paid'.
The driver says 'How much are other people giving?'.
The cop says 'Oh, on average about two or three litrres'.
LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP ( miss-match )
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration;and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says,
"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
[ Edit: Edited on Jun 29, 2008, at 4:37 AM by wotthefiqh ]
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . . that phrase .
. in no time.'
Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
'Put the fuckin beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder'Instruction Manual.'
A minister was disappointed at the small amount of money in the collection plates and told a friend who advised him to hypnotise the congretation. "Put the heaters up on high, the warmth will relax them, talk in a boring voice giving your sermon and swing a pocket watch back and forth at the same time. When they're hypnotised suggest they give say $20 each."
So come Sunday the minister did as his mate advised and was amazed to see all the $20 notes. Now, being a good man he didn't want to take advantage of his flock, so decided to wait a few weeks.
Four Sundays later, he tried it out again, and just as the last of the congregation were under, the watch chain broke scattering bits and pieces all over the lecturn. "Oh sh*t", said the minister.
It took them a week to clean up the church.
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of
tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts
flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.
'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'
'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.
He's a martyr now though' mum confides.
'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.
And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21'
'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair
when he was born'.
'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.
'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.
'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.
He would be 18', she whispers.
'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first
He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully
at the photographs and says...
'They blow up so fast, don't they?'
One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He
immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. 'I don't
know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no
room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm
going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as
you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even
let YOU decide who leaves.' OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the
devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large
pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and
over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in
hell. 'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I
don't think I could do that all day long.'
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time. 'No, this is no good; I've got this problem
with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break
rocks all day,' commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton,lying on the
bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle
pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. OJ
looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man,I can
handle this.' The devil smiled and said 'OK, Monica, you're free to go.'
For all Who Work With Rude Customers, shame We can't actually do this !
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some
months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when
confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn
from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced
travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He
slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this
flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.
The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention
please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone
can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F*!!*You!'
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)
'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.