How fights start
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Sh * t! That must be my husband!'
So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush, then started to run as fast as he could to his car.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman 'I AM your husband, you sl * t!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah??? Then why were you running....you Son of a B * tch !!!'
And that folks............is how the fight started.
Dave and Mabel , newly-weds, weren't very bright and they decided to start a pig farm.
They put the sow in the wheelbarrow and wheeled her down to farmer Jones.
"How much will it costs?" asked Dave.
Farmer Jones replies, "Well depending on which boar, $20, $40, or $60."
"We'll go for the $20 one", said Dave.
Next morning, Dave asks Mabel, "Are there any piglets yet Mabel?"
"No Dave", says Mabel. "I told you we should've gone for the $40 one."
So they put the sow in the wheelbarrow and back they go to Farmer Jones.
"We'll have the $40 boar." Says Dave.
Next morning, Dave asks, "Are there any piglets yet, Mabel?"
"No Dave", says Mabel.
So they again put the sow in the wheelbarrow and off they go again, to Farmer Jones for the $60 boar.
Next morning, Dave asks Mabel, "Are there any piglets now Mabel?"
"No Dave", says Mabel, "But the sow is sitting in the wheelbarrow."
A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but cling wrap underwear.
The shrink says "I can clearly see you're nuts"
Going along Nikki's lines of how the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years a go, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started...
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting
there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a
blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,'Before you
tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are
blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school.Can I ask
you a question?"
Father:"Sure son. What's the question?"
Son: "What is Politics?"
Father:"Well.let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner,
so let's call me Capitalism. Your mother is the administrator
of the money,so let's call her Goverment.We take care of your
needs,so let's call you The People.We'll call the maid The
Working class and your baby brother we can call The Future.
Do you understand son?
Son: "I'm not really sure,dad. I'll have to think about it."
That night awakened by his brother crying,the boy went to see
what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled
his diaper,the boy went to his parents room and found his
mother sound asleep. He went to the maids's room,where,peeking
through the keyhole,he saw his father in bed with the maid.The
boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid,
so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: "Dad,now I think I understand what politics is."
Father:"Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well dad,while Capitalism is screwing The Working Class,
Government is sound asleep,The People are being completelty
ignored and The Future is full of shit.
Two Aussie builders
Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Phil: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Phil: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Phil: - Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Phil: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden
Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Phil: - Me? Never.
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Phil: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.
Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Eric: - What's that then?
Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Eric: - Nope.
Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker...
This morning I noticed a blond girl with an alarmclock in her mouth!
So I asked: "what's the alarmclock doing in your mouth?"
She said: "well, when I woke up, my boyfriend told me I had a bad smell out of mouth and he said that either I had to brush my teeth or take a tictac"
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
[ Edit: Edited on Sep 10, 2008, at 5:43 AM by mikeyBoab ]
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ammal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ammal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins. Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Ammal.'