A Womens Diary:
Saturday 29th April 2006.
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere
quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I
suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself, he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.
I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed.
I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else... I cried myself to sleep.
Saturday 29th April 2006.
Rooney's probably out of the World Cup, there go our chances, gutted!
I got a shag though.
Latest tradgedy to strike Minogue family! Danni reported to have false breast cancer.
God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning.'"
"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.
"Well, " says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,
( I love this)
"Get your own dirt."
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money; between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in. We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their drinks.
Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o' this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
The Queen calls her man-in-waiting to her dressing room.
"Jeeves," she says. "Take off my shoes."
"Yes, ma'am," he replies.
"Jeeves, take off my stockings."
"Now take off my dress."
"And now take off my knickers."
"You heard me, take off my knickers."
"If I ever catch you weraing my clothes again, Jeeves, you're fired."
A New Zealand man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam
in a cafe when an Aussie tourist, chewing gum, sat next to him. The New
Zealander politely ignored the Australian, who, never the less started
up a conversation.
The Australian snapped his gum and said, "You Kiwi folk eat the whole
bread?" The Kiwi frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his
breakfast, and replied, "Of course."
The Australian blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In Australia, we only eat
what's inside. Then we collect the crusts, recycle them, and transform
them into croissants and sell them to New Zealand."
The Aussie had a smirk on his face. The Kiwi listened in silence.
The Aussie persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?" Sighing, the Kiwi
replied, "Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Aussie said, "We don't. In
Aussie, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels,
seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam
and sell them to New Zealand."
The Kiwi then asked, "Do you have sex in Australia?"
The Australian smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The New Zealander leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do
with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course." says the Aussie.
"We don't," says the Kiwi. "In New Zealand, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to
Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club"?
Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it"?
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and I saw one that I really liked."
Man: "How much"?
Man: "Okay, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It's really a pretty good price."
Woman: "Okay. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
Man: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He smiles and asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to"?
A Blonde's Year in Review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels
Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on an escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped
because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108 lbs!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven"
button on the stupid phone!!!
What a year!!
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi, "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep
Kiwi: (in a panic) "The sheeps a liar"
[ Edit: Edited at Jun 7, 2006 6:46 AM by Jase007 ]
There seems to be a world-wide conception that Scots are miserable and tight-fisted when it comes to money. I would like to state, for the record, that this is absolutely correct. Now I better hurry up and tell my joke so that I can switch the computer off, thus saving on the electricity bill.
Wee Jimmy comes running into the house one afternoon. "Dad!" he exclaims "Guess what? I ran home behind the bus and saved a pound! Aren't you proud of me?" His dad shakes his head in disgust. "For heaven's sake lad? Could you not have run home behind a taxi and saved five?"