Christmas time holiday's - i gotta work
A tourist walked into a Sydney curio/antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'
The owner replied: 'It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story.'
The tourist gave the owner his $12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, You can keep the story.'
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed & ran on towards Watson Bay beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.
By now very concerned. He ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said : 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'
'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Melbourne supporter and anything from queensland.
What do you call a dwarf who falls into a cement mixer?
A wee hard man
Why wasn't Jesus born in Glasgow ?
They couldn't find a virgin or three wise men.
What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe ?
What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe and can't find
his dog ?
Wee Shooey Douglas.
A guy walks into a GP's surgery.
'Doctor , Doctor! He cries , 'you've got to help me, I feel like I'm
turning into coconut'
Says the doctor, 'You're bountae '
What did Dracula get when he came to Glasgow ?
A bat in the mouth.
There were three coos in a field. Which wan wis oan its hoalidays ?
The wan wi a wee calf.
The man in the clothes shop insisting on a maroon jacket.
'Fur ma roon shooders'
Hear about the stupit skindiver?
He didny have a scuba.
Did you hear about the London criminal who fell foul of the Glasgow
Apparently they made him an offer he couldn't understand.
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a social worker ?
Ye can get yer wean back aff a Rottweiler
What do you call a Glasgow Sikh who enjoys karao ke ?
A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been
given a part in the school play. 'Wonderful. Whit part is it?' she asks
The boy says, ' I play the part of the Scottish husband ' .
The mother scowls and says,
'Go back an' tell that teacher you want a speaking part!
A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the
baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if
the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
'Breast fed,' she replied.
Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did.
He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a
while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed he said, 'No wonder this baby is under
weight. You don't have any milk !'
I know,' she said, 'ah'm only his Granny, but noo I'm glad I came son!'
A wee woman from Glasgow 's west-end was staying in a hotel in Edinburgh ,
she phoned room service for some pepper.
'Black pepper, or white pepper?' asked the concierge.
'Toilet pepper!' yelled the woman
This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when his wife
sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
Whit wis that fur?' he cries
'That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the name
Mary-Rose written oan it,' said she.
Don't be daft,' he explains, 'two weeks ago when I went to the races
Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on.' She seemed
satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails
him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around,he says, 'whit the hell wis that fur?'
'Your horse phoned!' she said.
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said, "You have the biggest dick of all your friends!"
The Divorced Barbie Doll
One day a father gets out from work and on his way home he suddenly
remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one
of those Barbies in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach
Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, "
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie
for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95
and the others only $19.95?
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain
made with Ken's balls. "
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
[ Edit: Edited on 20-Jan-2009, at 06:09 by wotthefiqh ]
The Brothel Parrot. . . ..
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00..
'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird
used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it
to say something.The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
'New house, new madam.' The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then
thought 'that's really not so bad.'
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,
'New house, new madam, new girls.' The girls and the woman were a bit offended,
but then began to laugh about the situation,considering how and where the
parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, 'Hi Keith'
Before I start this one, Yes I am Irish... so no giving me jip for slagging the Irish.
Paddy and Mick go to the morgue to identify their pal Jimmy's body that's been badly burned.
Paddy goes first, he turns over the body and looks closely at the body's backside. "No, that's not Jimmy", says Paddy.
Mick goes next, he turns over the body and once again looks at the body's backside. "No, that's definitely not Jimmy", says Mick.
The doctor is a bit bemused by their behaviour and asks, "how do you know it's not him?"
"Easy," says Mick, "when we used to go to the pub together the barman would say, 'Here's Jimmy with the two arseholes!"
Sex in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light..
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figures she would break
him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild,
screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and
saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him,
'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy. . You explain the kids.'
During their recent divorce case, the judge mentioned that Heather Mills was unstable. Sir Paul McCartney told the court that a beer mat under the left leg usually did the trick
After an evening out, Roger was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at three o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Roger grimly.