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Joke of the day.

Travel Forums Off Topic Joke of the day.

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531. Posted by Lilibellil (Inactive 16 posts) 7y

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull out the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

532. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 7y

Biker Joke:

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

533. Posted by MartianTom (Budding Member 37 posts) 7y

A guy goes to a psychiatrist and tells him 'I think I'm turning into a dog.'

The psychiatrist says 'Lie on the couch and we'll talk about it.'

The guy says 'I can't... I'm not allowed up on the furniture.'

534. Posted by Redpaddy (Inactive 1004 posts) 7y

One for the UK....
"My George Foreman toaster packed up at the weekend - so I bought a new Ricky Hatton toaster. Useless thing. Packed up before it managed two rounds."

535. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 7y

Quoting Redpaddy

One for the UK....
"My George Foreman toaster packed up at the weekend - so I bought a new Ricky Hatton toaster. Useless thing. Packed up before it managed two rounds."

I watched the Hatton-Paciquiao fight on pay per view. Several friends got together and split the cost. I have to say, it was not worth it. All the fight pundits predicted Paciquiao would win easily. Sadly, they were right. I had hoped for a much longer and better fight than Hatton put on.

536. Posted by Redpaddy (Inactive 1004 posts) 7y

Saw my friend with only one arm today. I asked him where was he going. He said he was going to change a light bulb. I asked him if that would be difficult to do. He said "No".... He still had the receipt

[ Edit: Edited on 09-May-2009, at 13:40 by Redpaddy ]

537. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 7y

Some clssic oneliners.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I've ever made.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Give pizza chants.
This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
Where are we going? And why are we in this handbasket?
I want to be like Barbie, that bitch has everything.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Hang up and drive.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
This would be really funny if it wasn't happening to me.
Auntie Em- Hate you, hate Kansas, taking dog. Dorothy
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.

538. Posted by Lilibellil (Inactive 16 posts) 7y

Not to be a stickler, but the line is:
"the more men I meet, the more I like my dog"

It's based on a quote variously attributed to
feminist lawyer Gloria Allred: "The more I know about men, the more I like dogs."

intellectual and author Madame de Staƫl: "The more I see of men the more I like dogs."

and French President Charles de Gaulle: "The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs."

(among others)

539. Posted by Redpaddy (Inactive 1004 posts) 7y

Referring to Post #533#... What is the fascination with boxing?? Help me, cos I just don't get it - same as football (UK or US).... Sorry.

540. Posted by bgl (Full Member 167 posts) 7y

Not sure if this qualifies as a joke, but I think it's pretty entertaining. This is a different type of accident report for the US Airways A320 that ditched in the Hudson River a couple of months ago. I havn't looked thru all the jokes in this thread. Hopefully it's not been posted already. Here goes:

Preliminary Accident Report FT 1549.

Captain held responsible for unauthorized actions which resulted in crash - - - says F.A.A.

N T S B report on U S Airways Flight 1549

U S Airways violated Federal migratory bird regulations by hunting geese with an A320 Airbus jetliner, claim anonymous government sources. The pilot of flight 1549, Air Force veteran and avid hunter Chesley B. Sullenberger, tried combining both of his interests by bagging a brace of geese over the wetlands near New York's LaGuardia/LGA airport after takeoff, on his way to Charlotte, North Carolina.

The imported European $77 million A320 airliner is not certified for either waterfowl or upland bird hunting, so it was not surprising that the aircraft malfunctioned. When he realized that both New York and New Jersey State Game and Fish enforcement officers would soon be approaching, Captain Sullenberger unsuccessfully attempted to hide the plane in the Hudson River.

The crew and 150 passengers were chilled; shaken but unstirred. Most were simply grateful to avoid spending the weekend in Charlotte.

National Transportation Safety Board inspectors rushed to the scene, and reportedly found no Duck Stamps on the downed aircraft's fuselage. Captain Sullenberger has not been charged, but is being held incommunicado at an undisclosed location.

P E T A is urging the government to prosecute the pilot for double honkercide and poaching, and the animal rights group is expected to file a civil suit on behalf of the flock. The two victims were undocumented aliens, according to sources close to the investigation, Canada geese who had over-stayed their visas. Their goose gang scandalized their quiet Queens community by squatting in local cemeteries and golf courses, parking on the grass, cooking strange-smelling food and throwing wild parties late into the night.

Neighbors say police dogs were called out on several occasions. Such incidents have triggered a wave of anti-Canada goose sentiment, but at this time revenge or hate crime motives are not suspected in the U S Airways "bird bashings"

Forensic examination of the avian corpses continues, and technicians are analyzing the two cadavers under heat with chestnuts, prunes, and Armagnac. NTSB inspectors have contributed a supply of testing fluid, a 2005 Zind-Humbrecht Riesling from Alsace. We will update this story as entrees details become available.

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