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Joke of the day.

Travel Forums Off Topic Joke of the day.

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541. Posted by Redpaddy (Inactive 1004 posts) 7y

I don't smoke after sex - but sometimes I do smoulder a bit!!

542. Posted by Utrecht (Moderator 5595 posts) 7y

Quoting Redpaddy

I don't smoke after sex - but sometimes I do smoulder a bit!!

Good thing you don't smoke after sex, otherwise you would be doing it too fast

543. Posted by beerman (Respected Member 1631 posts) 7y

Quoting bgl

U S Airways violated Federal migratory bird regulations by hunting geese with an A320 Airbus jetliner, claim anonymous government sources.

Priceless bgl, priceless!!!!

544. Posted by Redpaddy (Inactive 1004 posts) 7y

I went to the doctor's the other day and told him that my arm hurts when I move it in two different places.
He suggested I go somewhere else and try moving it there - to see if it makes any difference.

545. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 7y

After 30 years of marriage Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counseling.

When asked to describe her problems, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 30 years they had been together.She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unfulfilled needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, tore open her blouse, buttons flying everywhere, ripped her Bra off, starts tongue kissing while he embraces her, then puts his hands on her breasts fondled them, and kissed them passionately.
A side glance at her husband he then puts his hand up her skirt rips her G-String off and fondles her wildly while her husband Mark watches with raised eyebrows and mouth wide open.

Jacqueline flushed, try's to cover herself with the torn blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a total daze.
The therapist turned to Mark and said, now do you understand? 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?'

Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

546. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 7y

Lessons I've learned...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had
better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end
up in the local paper.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

547. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 7y

TAX MAN COMETH

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...

'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick..'

548. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 7y

A Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.

549. Posted by marlis (Travel Guru 1167 posts) 7y

550. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 7y

Parrot Joke

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud,
"Geesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"
The parrot responds, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy says. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this; how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
The parrot responds, "Well, this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my willy around
this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence
on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at
ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssst..." said the parrot, truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet .
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a
great sense of humor, he'sinteresting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes,
and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "psssssssssssst, " and motions him
over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the
postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered the mail today,
your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately. "
"WHAT???" The guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and put his hands under her nightie and began
petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"Oh No!" he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with
her breasts and slowly going down...." "WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

[ Edit: Edited on 28-Jun-2009, at 16:09 by vegasmike6 ]

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