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Joke of the day.

Travel Forums Off Topic Joke of the day.

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551. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 7y

A happily married man gets 'I Love You' tattooed on his willy and goes home to show his wife.
She says: 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth!!

552. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 7y


A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing?' she asked. 'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered. 'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed. 'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained. 'Love dress? But you're naked!' 'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.' The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. 'What are you doing?' he asked. 'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually. 'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

[ Edit: Edited on 23-Jul-2009, at 17:07 by vegasmike6 ]

553. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 7y

Blonde Joke

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here.. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here. 'The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

[ Edit: Edited on 12-Aug-2009, at 21:44 by vegasmike6 ]

554. Posted by crazzycat (Budding Member 5 posts) 7y

sad but funny:)

555. Posted by BedouinLeo (Inactive 698 posts) 7y

A woman comes to a mans front door with little Johnny and is very angry. 'Your Johnny has been playing doctors and patients with my Suzy and needs to be punished'.
'Come come' says Johnnys dad 'Children experiment at that age. A bit of body curiosity is only normal for them.'
'A bit of body curiosity is fine' says Suzys mum, 'But cutting her appendix out is taking it too far'.

556. Posted by BedouinLeo (Inactive 698 posts) 7y

How do you make a fat lady happy?....
Piece of cake.

557. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 7y

Oldies but goodies:
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed..
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to make love?" "No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap'.
That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started.....

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
And I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since..'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' And she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

558. Posted by BedouinLeo (Inactive 698 posts) 7y

A piece of string walks into a bar. The landlord tells him that there is a sign outside that clearly states 'No pieces of string admitted'.
The barman says to him 'You're a piece of string aren't you ?'
'No' he replies, 'I'm a frayed knot'

559. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 7y

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge,
so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she
was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked... "How much for that faucet?"
Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300."
"My goodness that sure is a lot!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded
to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went
to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

560. Posted by BedouinLeo (Inactive 698 posts) 7y

A black horse walks into a pub and the landlord says.. 'My pub is named after you'.
The horse says.. 'You have a pub called Reg?'

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