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Joke of the day.

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561. Posted by Rraven (Travel Guru 5924 posts) 7y

 A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
 She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
 She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
 As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
 "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
 "Actually, no," he replied.
 "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
 Hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
 "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
 "Yes.. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
 Forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth
 

562. Posted by Rraven (Travel Guru 5924 posts) 7y

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

563. Posted by Rraven (Travel Guru 5924 posts) 7y

Quoting Rraven

 A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
 She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
 She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
 As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
 "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
 "Actually, no," he replied.
 "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
 Hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
 "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
 "Yes.. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
 Forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth
 

Sorry guys , forgot the punchline , thanks Mike for letting me know ........

"Yes.. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her Forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck gently .

What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
 "Tell him," she whispered
 
"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room"

564. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 7y

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like
he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to
do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him...
She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms
and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading,
I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining,
but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to
get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back! "She leaves the
door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears
people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor
comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone
having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess
I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."

565. Posted by BedouinLeo (Inactive 698 posts) 7y

How do you keep an idiot in Suspense ?

566. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 7y

TWENTY DOLLARS
On their wedding night , the young bride approached her new husband
and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated
each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it
was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she
needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her
husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained
that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and
he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore,
they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of
steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates
of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that
they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.She explained that for the more than
three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were
the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so
astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

567. Posted by BedouinLeo (Inactive 698 posts) 7y

Left my mobile/cell phone switched on last night under my pillow, cos I was expecting a message.
Following morning the phone was gone and all that remained was a few coins.
Bloody bluetooth fairy !

568. Posted by BlackEyes (Budding Member 21 posts) 6y

Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

569. Posted by HngryTrvlr (Budding Member 56 posts) 6y

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

570. Posted by HngryTrvlr (Budding Member 56 posts) 6y

last one...gotta be a yo mama joke-

Yo mama's so short you can see her feet on her drivers licence

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