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Two drivers, a man and a woman heading towards each other.
The man shouts to the woman.. 'Hey, Big fat cow'.
The woman shouts back to the man.. 'Shut yer face'.
Ten seconds later she goes round the corner and a loose bull's horns go straight through her windscreen and take her out.
Moral to the story.. Women should listen to men more often.
A guy comes in to a bar and orders a double whiskey. He drinks it and looks in his pocket. Then he orders another one, drinks it and looks in his pocket again.
This is repeated a dozen times before the bartender asks him what he is doing.
He replies, "In my pocket I have a picture of my wife. When she gets good looking, I quit drinking..."
Words Women Use>>>
1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are >right and you need to shut up.
>>2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.>Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more >minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.>>
3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and >you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end >in fine.>>
4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!>>
5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement >often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot >and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you >about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)>>
6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can >make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before >deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.>>
7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say >you're welcome.>>
8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying GET A LIFE!>>
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning >this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is >now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's >wrong?" For the woman's response refer to god for the answer
Some politically incorrect jokes:
Boy comes home and tells his parents he has
just had sex for the first time. The proud Dad says,
'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have to wait
until next payday". The boy replies 'that's alright Dad,
my arse is too sore to ride it anyway'.
Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old
people's home ast night.They didn't get any of my jokes
but they still pissed themselves.
Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend
says, 'How dare you call me a slapper,
get out of my bed right now and take
your f****ing mates with you'!
I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady
dropped dead in front of me, I felt really sorry
for her, she had just bought a Bag for Life.
Teacher says to little Tommy, 'Why weren't you at
school yesterday?' Tommy says 'My grandfather got burnt'
Teacher says 'Badly?' Little Tommy says '
Yes, they don't f*ck about at the crematorium.'
A friend of mine says he is making love to twins, I said '
How can you tell the difference?' He said 'Her brother
has got a moustache".
A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and
Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday
when somebody shouted, 'He's behind you!'
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their
money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer
and asks, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.' The robber then shot him in the
head, killing him instantly. He then turned to a couple standing
next to him and asked the man,' Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!'
When Opportunity knocks..... MAKE USE OF IT
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched
fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex
with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out his answer, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.
They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful,
produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever
the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move
away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed..
The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was
very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the
"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever
mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales .
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?
"The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Wales "
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
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