Skip Navigation

Joke of the day.

Travel Forums Off Topic Joke of the day.

Page 1 ... ...

Last Post

581. Posted by flyingbob (Inactive 842 posts) 6y

Hi. I'm just driving my brand new Toyota Prius.
Will talk later - can't stop right now.

582. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 6y

A Joke for our UK members

Two builders, (Dave and Stuart), are seated either side of a table in a pub
when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the
bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets
the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Dave: - 'Scuse me... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering
what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ..... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er ...... mmm ..... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond.
Which is it? Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a
large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to
assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite
probably married? And with a family?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis? Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very
often? Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about
your sex life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope

Dave: Well then, you're a wanker.

583. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 6y

Old Timers Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife,
'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went
behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for
old time's sake?''Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy,
but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two
old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's
no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by
walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence,
the old man moves in...
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning
and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed! He thinks he has learned something about life and old age
that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask
them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them,
'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply...

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence'

584. Posted by Utrecht (Moderator 5596 posts) 6y

Terrorist Escalation

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300
years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies 'just in case'.

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be al'right, mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

585. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 6y

One for our East Coast members:

A young blonde woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Bourne Bridge. She was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying. He took pity on her and said "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you'd like, I can stow you away on my ship and you can start a new life in Europe. I'll take good care of you and bring you food everyday". "How can I repay you for such kindness" she asked.

"Just let me make love to you each night".
The blonde agreed.That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who stowed me away" she explained. "I get food and free passage to Europe and he's screwing me".
"He certainly is", the captain said. "This is the ferry to Nantucket."

Post 586 was removed by a moderator
587. Posted by Peter (Admin 5813 posts) 6y

Quoting Utrecht

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be al'right, mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Funnily enough, we have a threat level not too dissimilar to this.. it's called the "Total Fire Ban" and in effect does cancel quite a few "barbies" each year (depends on the barbie).

588. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 6y

Mike had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.


He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says Mike, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Mike, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

589. Posted by flyingbob (Inactive 842 posts) 6y

Paddy goes to see Mick at the maternity unit. 'Paddy, Paddy, its twins.'
'Fantastic Mick, just fantastic. Who do they look like?'
'Each other'.

590. Posted by daveh (Travel Guru 1027 posts) 6y

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out out of our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Page 1 ... ...

Last Post