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Joke of the day.

Travel Forums Off Topic Joke of the day.

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601. Posted by zaksame (Respected Member 571 posts) 6y

A man enters a confession box and says "Bless me father for I have sinned".

"Tell me what's on your mind my son," the priest replies.

"Father," the man says, "I'm worried that I may be thrown out of the church."

"Whatever for," says the priest.

"I had sex with my wife from behind as she was leaning into the fridge."

"Oh my!" says the priest a little stunned. "But she is your wife isn't she? And you were making love weren't you?"

"She is my wife," the man answered, "and indeed we were making love. I've never loved another woman in my life."

"Well, then my son," the priest says happily, "in the eyes of the Lord you've done nothing wrong."

"But father," the man gasped, "does this mean that I won't be thrown out of the Church."

"Of course not my son," the priest replies, "why would you be thrown out of the church?"

"Well Father." the man replied, "we got thrown out of the frozen-food section of the supermarket".

602. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 6y

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on. The second woman said 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The third really beautiful woman came up to him and said 'Have you ever been f***ed?' The fellow said 'No!' She said 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

603. Posted by wotthefiqh (Inactive 1447 posts) 6y

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car showroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160kmh, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left, recollecting his good old young days!

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the motorway, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!", thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180kmh, then 220 then 240kmh, Vrooooooom was the only sound he could hear.

Suddenly, he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too mature for all this nonsense!" So, he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The police officer walked up at the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, I know its fun to drive, but not speed. My shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me one good reason for speeding that fast and if I've never heard it before, I'll let you go free!"

The man looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman.
I thought you were bringing her back!!!!!"

Smilingly, the policeman said, "Have a good day Sir, you are lucky!"

604. Posted by Giuli (Budding Member 3 posts) 6y

Quoting Jase007

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough, since women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

605. Posted by Giuli (Budding Member 3 posts) 6y

:(:(:(

Quoting Jase007

A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing beat says,

"Well, that's great..........that's really great.......... Some asshole's got my pen.

606. Posted by flyingbob (Inactive 842 posts) 6y

Week long barbecue at my place in a fortnight. All invited. Please contribute.
No need to bring any charcoal. We'll be using all the discarded England flags as fuel. Should keep us going for ages.

607. Posted by bwiiian (Travel Guru 768 posts) 6y

Quoting flyingbob

Week long barbecue at my place in a fortnight. All invited. Please contribute.
No need to bring any charcoal. We'll be using all the discarded England flags as fuel. Should keep us going for ages.

Very good

I am English but now live away and I did watch the match last night, well, some of it, I fell asleep at half time. The match started at 3:30am here in Korea and I was drunk from watching and drinking during the Korean game. But I must say, only drawing with the USA is probably the most embarrasing result in my lifetime, and I am quite old!! hehe

608. Posted by flyingbob (Inactive 842 posts) 6y

[quote=bwiiian] only drawing with the USA is probably the most embarrasing result in my lifetime

Week long barbecue at my place in a fortnight.... Make that a week or less.

609. Posted by flyingbob (Inactive 842 posts) 6y

Man goes into a brothel and says to the Madame.... 'I'm a little kinky. How much for total hulmiliation?'
'€40' says the Madame.
'Blimey' says the man. 'What do I get for that?'
Madame replies.. 'An England t-shirt that you have to wear in public.'

610. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 6y

My neighbor's Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. His wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.' Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better
cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better
cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.' Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover
than you.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that
as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

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