There seems to be a world-wide conception that Scots are miserable and tight-fisted when it comes to money. I would like to state, for the record, that this is absolutely correct. Now I better hurry up and tell my joke so that I can switch the computer off, thus saving on the electricity bill.
Wee Jimmy comes running into the house one afternoon. "Dad!" he exclaims "Guess what? I ran home behind the bus and saved a pound! Aren't you proud of me?" His dad shakes his head in disgust. "For heaven's sake lad? Could you not have run home behind a taxi and saved five?"
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a Petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
'Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees", replies Tiger.
"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"F*ckin' Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Dat BMW tinks of everytin!
A man walks into a bar and says "Ouch! Who left that bar there?"
A horse walks into a bar and the barman says, "Why the long face?"
A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartenders says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here."
Ahhh Essex !!
An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker.
"10" replies the Essex girl.
"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or
WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..." "What if you want to speak to
one individually?" says the perturbed council worker. "That's easy,"
says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames."
William Shakespeare walks into a bar. The bartender says "Forget it Will, you know you're a bard."
An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a
garment on the counter.
"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
Why does an Essex girl wear knickers?
To keep her ankles warm.
An Essex girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.The man says "Choose
from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."