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Joke of the day.

Travel Forums Off Topic Joke of the day.

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621. Posted by The Jones (Budding Member 44 posts) 6y

Quoting Jase007

A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing beat says,

"Well, that's great..........that's really great.......... Some asshole's got my pen.


622. Posted by flyingbob (Inactive 842 posts) 6y

I was travelling through a ghetto the other day and saw a young boy eating grass.
I said to him.. 'Hey - there's no need to do that here, come with me and I'll let you eat so much more.'
He smiled with a tear in his eye and asked..'Can I bring my six brothers and 8 sisters too?'
'You must be joking' - I replied, 'I've only got a small lawn.'

[ Edit: Edited on 29-Jul-2010, at 13:52 by flyingbob ]

623. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 6y

Some politically incorrect jokes:

A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells,
'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!' The tortoise
at the back of the shop shouts, 'you bastard !'

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me one of these mood rings so she
could monitor my mood. We discovered that,
when I am in a good mood, it turns green and,
when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark
on her forehead.

I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate
habit of eating shuttlecocks. Bad Minton.

Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My
mother-in-law is an angel'. The reply from his friend...... 'You're so lucky...Mine's still alive...'

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on
suicide. The librarian says; 'F**k off, you won't
bring it back.'

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV
when I heard my wife's' voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner my love? Chicken,
beef or lamb." I said, "I'll have chicken, Thank you"
She replied, "You're having sandwiches, asshole.
I was talking to the cat."

[ Edit: Edited on 04-Aug-2010, at 16:20 by vegasmike6 ]

Post 624 was removed by a moderator
625. Posted by lily89 (Budding Member 50 posts) 6y

Quoting vegasmike6

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV
when I heard my wife's' voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner my love? Chicken,
beef or lamb." I said, "I'll have chicken, Thank you"
She replied, "You're having sandwiches, asshole.
I was talking to the cat."

thats an awesome joke and suprising probably more true than we think

626. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 6y

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her
brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

[ Edit: Edited on 07-Aug-2010, at 20:56 by vegasmike6 ]

627. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 6y

Irish Joke
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase
his sales. So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.' Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.' A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close,
but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex.' Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick.
It's not rigged at all. My wife won twice last week!'

[ Edit: Edited on 10-Aug-2010, at 09:30 by vegasmike6 ]

628. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 6y

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
She is asked the basic items.
'How much do you weigh?' she asks. '115,' she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140 .
The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot 8,' she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only
measures 5' 4'. She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' she screams,
'When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!'

[ Edit: Edited on 11-Aug-2010, at 09:47 by vegasmike6 ]

629. Posted by beerman (Respected Member 1631 posts) 6y

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and man looks over at his wife and says:
"Your butt is getting really big"
"I mean really big"!
"I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.
He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers:
"Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

630. Posted by lily89 (Budding Member 50 posts) 6y

An old Australian battler lies dying in his bed. He calls over Shirley, his faithful wife of 60 years, and says, "Shirl, when we started out, tried to buy a business in the depression, went bust: you were with me"
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
Then the war started, I joined up, and was sent to the front line, where I lost me legs. You stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce" she says.
"Then, came home, couldn't get a job, due to me disability, and bought a farm."
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
"The farm flooded, then just when we got over that, there was a bushfire, and then the drought, which wiped us right out: you still stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce,"
"Now here I am, in excruiating pain, about to die, useless and you're still with me."
"Yes Bruce."
"Yes, Bruce?"
"You're bloody bad luck"

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