A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase
his sales. So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.' Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.' A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close,
but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex.' Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick.
It's not rigged at all. My wife won twice last week!'
[ Edit: Edited on 10-Aug-2010, at 09:30 by vegasmike6 ]
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
She is asked the basic items.
'How much do you weigh?' she asks. '115,' she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140 .
The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot 8,' she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only
measures 5' 4'. She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' she screams,
'When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!'
[ Edit: Edited on 11-Aug-2010, at 09:47 by vegasmike6 ]
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and man looks over at his wife and says:
"Your butt is getting really big"
"I mean really big"!
"I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.
He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
An old Australian battler lies dying in his bed. He calls over Shirley, his faithful wife of 60 years, and says, "Shirl, when we started out, tried to buy a business in the depression, went bust: you were with me"
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
Then the war started, I joined up, and was sent to the front line, where I lost me legs. You stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce" she says.
"Then, came home, couldn't get a job, due to me disability, and bought a farm."
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
"The farm flooded, then just when we got over that, there was a bushfire, and then the drought, which wiped us right out: you still stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce,"
"Now here I am, in excruiating pain, about to die, useless and you're still with me."
"You're bloody bad luck"
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous!"
[ Edit: Edited on 13-Aug-2010, at 16:45 by vegasmike6 ]
Paddy rushes in to the pub, shouting.... 'Mick - Mick someone has just stolen your car.''
'Jeeeezus' says Mick. 'Did you see who it was?'
'No' says Paddy, 'But don't worry - I got the registration number.'
A lady went into a bar in San Antonio and saw a
cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."The woman replied, "Don't be flattered.. take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
[ Edit: Edited on 19-Aug-2010, at 15:50 by vegasmike6 ]
Will Rogers , who died in a 1935 plane crash with his
best friend, Wylie Post, was probably the greatest political sage the US ever has known.
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman . .
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold
it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n
puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
[ Edit: Edited on 20-Aug-2010, at 00:04 by vegasmike6 ]
LONDON LAWYER VS GLASGOW COP
A London lawyer runs a STOP sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come tae a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come tae a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come tae a complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." - how many of you are thinking alright Stirling, oot the car!!! ;-)
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the s**t out of the lawyer and says,
"Dae ye want me tae stop or jist slow doon?"