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Joke of the day.

Travel Forums Off Topic Joke of the day.

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631. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru, 3525 posts) 13 Aug '10 16:42

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous!"

[ Edit: Edited on 13-Aug-2010, at 16:45 by vegasmike6 ]

632. Posted by flyingbob (Inactive, 842 posts) 19 Aug '10 12:13

Paddy rushes in to the pub, shouting.... 'Mick - Mick someone has just stolen your car.''
'Jeeeezus' says Mick. 'Did you see who it was?'
'No' says Paddy, 'But don't worry - I got the registration number.'

633. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru, 3525 posts) 19 Aug '10 15:48

A lady went into a bar in San Antonio and saw a
cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."The woman replied, "Don't be flattered.. take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

[ Edit: Edited on 19-Aug-2010, at 15:50 by vegasmike6 ]

634. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru, 3525 posts) 20 Aug '10 00:02

Will Rogers , who died in a 1935 plane crash with his
best friend, Wylie Post, was probably the greatest political sage the US ever has known.

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman . .
Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold
it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n
puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

[ Edit: Edited on 20-Aug-2010, at 00:04 by vegasmike6 ]

635. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru, 8868 posts) 20 Aug '10 00:10

LONDON LAWYER VS GLASGOW COP

A London lawyer runs a STOP sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come tae a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come tae a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come tae a complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." - how many of you are thinking alright Stirling, oot the car!!! ;-)
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the s**t out of the lawyer and says,

"Dae ye want me tae stop or jist slow doon?"

636. Posted by lily89 (Budding Member, 50 posts) 20 Aug '10 08:24


thats awesome, thats what lawyers get

637. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru, 3525 posts) 27 Aug '10 13:07

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely
30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy
some peaches?' She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked,
'Are they as firm as this?' He nodded his head and said, ' Yes ma'am,' and a little tear
ran from his eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice
and pink like this?' The farmer said, 'Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'
He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying. She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'

Drying his eyes he replied, 'The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans,
a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get f****d out of my peaches.'

638. Posted by flyingbob (Inactive, 842 posts) 27 Aug '10 13:31

I've just come back from a 'Once in a lifetime' holiday.... Never again.

639. Posted by lily89 (Budding Member, 50 posts) 3 Sep '10 06:13

Quoting vegasmike6

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely
30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy
some peaches?' She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked,
'Are they as firm as this?' He nodded his head and said, ' Yes ma'am,' and a little tear
ran from his eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice
and pink like this?' The farmer said, 'Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'
He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying. She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'

Drying his eyes he replied, 'The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans,
a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get f****d out of my peaches.'

thats an awesome joke, :)

640. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru, 3525 posts) 7 Sep '10 09:46

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or
phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to
re-frame or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and
asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white
shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

[ Edit: Edited on 07-Sep-2010, at 09:50 by vegasmike6 ]

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