Joke of the day.

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely
30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy
some peaches?' She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked,
'Are they as firm as this?' He nodded his head and said, ' Yes ma'am,' and a little tear
ran from his eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice
and pink like this?' The farmer said, 'Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'
He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying. She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'

Drying his eyes he replied, 'The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans,
a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get f****d out of my peaches.'

I've just come back from a 'Once in a lifetime' holiday.... Never again.

Quoting vegasmike6

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely
30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy
some peaches?' She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked,
'Are they as firm as this?' He nodded his head and said, ' Yes ma'am,' and a little tear
ran from his eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice
and pink like this?' The farmer said, 'Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'
He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying. She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'

Drying his eyes he replied, 'The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans,
a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get f****d out of my peaches.'

thats an awesome joke,

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or
phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to
re-frame or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and
asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white
shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

[ Edit: Edited on 07-Sep-2010, at 09:50 by vegasmike6 ]

A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost
both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points
for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm.... ...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on
starting at 10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for
any special treatment y'know"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the
interviewer says,

"For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and
scratching our balls.

There's no point in you coming in for that."

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering
the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven!'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me
seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

[ Edit: Edited on 15-Sep-2010, at 16:54 by vegasmike6 ]

The $50 Lesson
I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to be President of the United States. Both of her parents,
liberal Democrats, were standing there. So I asked her, "If you were President,
what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.." Her parents beamed. "Wow...what a worthy goal," I told her. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house." She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
...Her parents still aren't speaking to me

[ Edit: Edited on 23-Sep-2010, at 09:41 by vegasmike6 ]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that
teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably
result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth
control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation,
they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health,
they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.' The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. 'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?' 'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

[ Edit: Edited on 12-Dec-2010, at 14:18 by vegasmike6 ]

A few politically incorrect jokes:

Took a dyslexic woman home last night, and she ended up cooking
my sock!

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realized she was just on 'standby'.

Just bought a racehorse called "My Face". It may not be any good but I cant wait to hear all the women in crowd screaming 'come on my face'.

The other night I said to my wife, let's play Chilean miners.
She said, "So do you want me to go down your shaft until I reach the bottom" I said no, just take off for 4 months.