A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost
both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points
for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm.... ...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on
starting at 10.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for
any special treatment y'know"
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the
"For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and
scratching our balls.
There's no point in you coming in for that."
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering
the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven!'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me
seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
[ Edit: Edited on 15-Sep-2010, at 16:54 by vegasmike6 ]
The $50 Lesson
I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to be President of the United States. Both of her parents,
liberal Democrats, were standing there. So I asked her, "If you were President,
what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.." Her parents beamed. "Wow...what a worthy goal," I told her. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house." She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
...Her parents still aren't speaking to me
[ Edit: Edited on 23-Sep-2010, at 09:41 by vegasmike6 ]
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that
teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably
result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth
control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation,
they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health,
they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.' The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. 'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?' 'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
[ Edit: Edited on 12-Dec-2010, at 14:18 by vegasmike6 ]
A few politically incorrect jokes:
Took a dyslexic woman home last night, and she ended up cooking
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realized she was just on 'standby'.
Just bought a racehorse called "My Face". It may not be any good but I cant wait to hear all the women in crowd screaming 'come on my face'.
The other night I said to my wife, let's play Chilean miners.
She said, "So do you want me to go down your shaft until I reach the bottom" I said no, just take off for 4 months.
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together -- It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her. The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. "Yes, answered the Instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk??
And who said men were not sensitive to their partners needs??
Pt; Dr, Dr, one minute I feel like I'm a teepee, the next I feel like a wigwam....
Dr; The problem is, you're too tents.
I got sacked from my helping out at my local soup kitchen over Christams.
Well - it was getting late on Christmas Eve - for goodness sake.
All I said was.... 'Come on - hurry up. Haven't you got homes to go to?'
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,
not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head
abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small
error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error
would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the
original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He
sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R! ?We missed the R! We missed the R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word was...