The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together -- It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her. The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. "Yes, answered the Instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk??
And who said men were not sensitive to their partners needs??
Pt; Dr, Dr, one minute I feel like I'm a teepee, the next I feel like a wigwam....
Dr; The problem is, you're too tents.
I got sacked from my helping out at my local soup kitchen over Christams.
Well - it was getting late on Christmas Eve - for goodness sake.
All I said was.... 'Come on - hurry up. Haven't you got homes to go to?'
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,
not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head
abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small
error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error
would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the
original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He
sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R! ?We missed the R! We missed the R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word was...
A woman in our town has been admitted to casualty with a Dyson stuck up her **s.
Although quite serious - doctors say she's picking up quite nicely.
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
An ugly woman asked me the other day.... 'What's reincarnation?'
I answered.... 'It's when you die and come back as something else.'
To which she replied.... 'I want to come back as a dog.'
I said to her....' You're not listening to what I said, love.'
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars
after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about
all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market,
if they have computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
' Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the same way you do.'
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to
swap partners for the night and experience one another..
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom
where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,
weenie member about half an inch long and just
a quarter-inch thick.
'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his
forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead,
his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive,
but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider
until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad,
The next day the couples rejoin their original
partners and go their separate ways.
As they walked along,
Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful.
How about you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache .
She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
Just been gang raped by a group of mime artists. They did unspeakable
things to me................
I thought I'd be a gentleman and hold the door open for a young lady,
two minutes later she said "will you sod off I'm trying to go to the
> Advice for Kate Middleton - If you get divorced make sure you wear a
> Now on sale at IKEA - LESBO beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it’s
> all tongue and groove...............
> A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol, police say
> it’s definitely race related ....................
> Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have
> announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8..........................
> Ginger bloke goes to the docs about a rash on his boll*cks. The doc
> says "how often do you have sex?" He says "Once or twice a year!" The
> doc say "that's not a rash mate, its RUST".
> I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but
> explaining they were not a dating agency....................
> Kate Middleton goes to the Queen and says "every time I suck William's
> knob I get indigestion", the queen says "have you tried Andrews
One fine sunny day at the local market..........
Taliban says to Jew.... 'Give me water'
Jew says to Taliban.... 'I havent got any, but I can sell you a tie for £10'.
Taliban says to Jew.... 'I should shoot you for not giving me water, but I need a drink.'
Jew says to Taliban.... 'There is an oasis 10 miles into the desert where my brother serves free water'.
Next day, Taliban comes back - covered in blisters, crawling on his knees in into the village.
Jew says to Taliban.... 'Did you get your water?'
Taliban says to Jew.... 'No, they wouldn't let me in without wearing a tie.'