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Joke of the day.

Travel Forums Off Topic Joke of the day.

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651. Posted by flyingbob (Inactive, 842 posts) 14 Jan '11 12:04

A woman in our town has been admitted to casualty with a Dyson stuck up her **s.
Although quite serious - doctors say she's picking up quite nicely.

652. Posted by Utrecht (Moderator, 5556 posts) 21 Jan '11 07:05

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:
...
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

653. Posted by flyingbob (Inactive, 842 posts) 23 Jan '11 04:48

An ugly woman asked me the other day.... 'What's reincarnation?'
I answered.... 'It's when you die and come back as something else.'
To which she replied.... 'I want to come back as a dog.'
I said to her....' You're not listening to what I said, love.'

654. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru, 8868 posts) 24 Jan '11 02:40

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars
after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about
all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock market,
if they have computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

' Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the same way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to
swap partners for the night and experience one another..

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom
where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,
weenie member about half an inch long and just
a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his
forehead with his palm.

With each slap of his forehead,
his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive,
but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider
until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad,
passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their original
partners and go their separate ways.
As they walked along,
Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful.
How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache .
She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

655. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru, 8868 posts) 25 Jan '11 03:52

Just been gang raped by a group of mime artists. They did unspeakable
things to me................

I thought I'd be a gentleman and hold the door open for a young lady,
two minutes later she said "will you sod off I'm trying to go to the
toilet!!".
>
> Advice for Kate Middleton - If you get divorced make sure you wear a
> seatbelt...........................
>
> Now on sale at IKEA - LESBO beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it’s
> all tongue and groove...............
>
> A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol, police say
> it’s definitely race related ....................
>
> Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have
> announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8..........................
>
> Ginger bloke goes to the docs about a rash on his boll*cks. The doc
> says "how often do you have sex?" He says "Once or twice a year!" The
> doc say "that's not a rash mate, its RUST".
>
> I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but
> explaining they were not a dating agency....................
>
> Kate Middleton goes to the Queen and says "every time I suck William's
> knob I get indigestion", the queen says "have you tried Andrews

656. Posted by flyingbob (Inactive, 842 posts) 31 Jan '11 12:42

One fine sunny day at the local market..........
Taliban says to Jew.... 'Give me water'
Jew says to Taliban.... 'I havent got any, but I can sell you a tie for £10'.
Taliban says to Jew.... 'I should shoot you for not giving me water, but I need a drink.'
Jew says to Taliban.... 'There is an oasis 10 miles into the desert where my brother serves free water'.
Next day, Taliban comes back - covered in blisters, crawling on his knees in into the village.
Jew says to Taliban.... 'Did you get your water?'
Taliban says to Jew.... 'No, they wouldn't let me in without wearing a tie.'

657. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru, 8868 posts) 2 Feb '11 22:02

Two Scottish lads are chatting in the pub about the one bloke's wedding which is just around the corner.

The one bloke says to the other, "I think I'm going to have to wear a kilt for my wedding."

The other bloke says, "Oh, aye? What's the tartan?"

"Oh she'll be dressed in white, I suppose."
;)

658. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru, 3537 posts) 9 Feb '11 10:09

The Hunter
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said 'Things are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 yr-old bride who is pregnant with my child. 'So what do you think about that Doc?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. 'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'..'

'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead..
Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.' The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.

659. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru, 8868 posts) 15 Feb '11 20:07

Blonde walks into a dry cleaners with a pair of stained white trousers,
and hands them over to the assistant.
As she is heading for the door the assistant says "Thank You, Come
Again"
Blonde replies "No, toothpaste this time".

Once upon a time, a man asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl
said, 'NO!'
The man lived happily ever after, rode motorcycles, went fishing and
hunting and played golf. Drank beer and whiskey, had tons of money in the bank, left the toilet seat up, and farted whenever he wanted.

660. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru, 3537 posts) 21 Feb '11 11:22

Things do change with age:

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly..
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Old Lady:
He began to rub all over of my body.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

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