Two Scottish lads are chatting in the pub about the one bloke's wedding which is just around the corner.
The one bloke says to the other, "I think I'm going to have to wear a kilt for my wedding."
The other bloke says, "Oh, aye? What's the tartan?"
"Oh she'll be dressed in white, I suppose."
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said 'Things are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 yr-old bride who is pregnant with my child. 'So what do you think about that Doc?'
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. 'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'..'
'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead..
Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.' The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.
Blonde walks into a dry cleaners with a pair of stained white trousers,
and hands them over to the assistant.
As she is heading for the door the assistant says "Thank You, Come
Blonde replies "No, toothpaste this time".
Once upon a time, a man asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl
The man lived happily ever after, rode motorcycles, went fishing and
hunting and played golf. Drank beer and whiskey, had tons of money in the bank, left the toilet seat up, and farted whenever he wanted.
Things do change with age:
Will you please state your age?
I am 94 years old.
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Did you know him?
No, but he sure was friendly..
What happened after he sat down?
He started to rub my thigh.
Did you stop him?
No, I didn't stop him.
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
What happened next?
He began to rub all over of my body.
Did you stop him then?
No, I did not stop him.
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
What happened next?
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Did he take you?
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard
Joe And The Vaseline,
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom.. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...
Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the f***ing dishes!!!
Clever and brilliant teacher comment!
A female professor at the University reminds students that the next day during the final exams, excuses of absence will not be tolerated.
The only exception is a serious injury, serious illness or sudden death of a close relative. On the first row of the auditorium Tom responds, bit of a playboy among the students:
"And in cases of fatigue, ma'am? Such as an exhaustive night full of sex?
Hilarity all around. When silence finally has returned, the female professor smiles to the student, shakes her head and gently tells him:
"Then you can write with your other hand!"
Subject: Air Hostess
A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.
A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto
'We love to fly and it shows'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto
'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto
'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the fuck do you want?'
'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face – ‘Ryanair’
Jesus and the burglar
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark
said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin,
clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more,
after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the
stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room,
his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yep', the parrot confessed,
then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room.'What happened!?' they cried. The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.
Harry and his wife are having rough financial times,
so they both decide that she'll become a hooker
until things smooth over a bit. She's not quite sure
what to do so Harry says, "Just stand in front of that
bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a
hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked
around the corner."
Five minutes later a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"
She replies, "A hundred dollars." Disappointed he says,
"Damn! All I've got is thirty." She thinks for a second and
then says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says,
"What can he get for thirty dollars?" He tells her that she can
give him a handjob. She runs back and tells the guy that all he
can get for thirty bucks is a handjob. He agrees and
she gets in the car with him.
He unzips his pants and pulls out this abnormally large
cock. She stares at it for a minute and then says, "I'll be right back!"
She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly,
"Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?!?!?