Joke for our Canadian Friends:
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived.. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
'Well,' said the American, 'I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here'
'That's amazing!' said the one of the doctors, 'But what happened to the other two?' 'Last I saw them,' replied the American, 'the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his.'
New Words for 2012
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
A deeply unattractive person.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed, and who was responsible.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves..
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
An office filled with cubicles.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it
to work again.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
Tattoo on a female
[ Edit: Edited on 24-Feb-2012, at 09:40 by vegasmike6 ]
Policeman's Wife : The man threw a stone to you and did not tel him anything?
Policeman : How could I do darling? Because I have no duty then!
One or Two
Customer: Waiter, I've only got one piece of meat in my dish.
Waiter:Just a moment, sir and I'll cut it in two.
Althea later, alligator!
It all depends on if you are a man or woman.
2 WOMEN - are having a coffee and catching up:
So, how was your evening last night?
A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. Nightmare, and you?
Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and we chatted until late. It was wonderful.
2 MEN - meet at the pub...
So, how was your evening last night?
Incredible! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. Wonderful night, I just love my wife, You?
A nightmare! I came home early to fix the kitchen shelf.
When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out for dinner. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full...! The Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford a taxi, so we had to walk home. It took ages and once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f**king candles to avoid knocking everything over. I was so wound up and pissed off that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to finish. In the end, I was still wound up and it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing.......total disaster.
Politically Incorrect Jokes:
Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its Â£2.50/min (charges may vary).
Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".
Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!
If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweatshops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it!
1. Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.
2. A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.
3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.
5. The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him
Just got a tax return - yes, seems they do have a sense of humour
Yes, it is an old joke, but I laughed because I had not heard it for many years.
A bunny hopped into a bar, hopped on a stool and asked the bartender,
"Do you have any lettuce?" The bartender said, "this is a bar, we sell liquor, no we don't have any lettuce, now get out of my bar."
Next day, same bunny, same bar, same bartender. The bunny hops on to a stool and ask, "Do you have any lettuce?" The bartender gets mad and says, "I told you yesterday we don't have any lettuce, now get out. If you come back again, I'll nail your paws to the bar!"
Next day, same bunny, same bar, same bartender. The bunny hops on a stool and asks, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender looks at him oddly and says, "No, I don't have any nails in my bar." The bunny, replies, "Well then, do you have any lettuce?"
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, from the BBQ and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks... I don't want it,' answered Colin.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again, Colin said "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?
'I want the bastard who pushed me in.'
We are hosting a charity concert for people who have difficulty achieving orgasm. If you can't come, let me know.