The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
Prince William said he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip said he didn't give a toss and went anyway.
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.
THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.
He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"
"No," she replies, "I'm married to God."
She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!" "Yeah?", says the hippie. "Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his Face. "Have sex with me." The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. 'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!
One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.
When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:
"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang
and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"
"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what
about the other?" "They called back!"
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus."
A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."
Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
Joke for our Canadian Friends:
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived.. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
'Well,' said the American, 'I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here'
'That's amazing!' said the one of the doctors, 'But what happened to the other two?' 'Last I saw them,' replied the American, 'the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his.'
New Words for 2012
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
A deeply unattractive person.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed, and who was responsible.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves..
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
An office filled with cubicles.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it
to work again.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
Tattoo on a female
[ Edit: Edited on 24-Feb-2012, at 09:40 by vegasmike6 ]
Policeman's Wife : The man threw a stone to you and did not tel him anything?
Policeman : How could I do darling? Because I have no duty then!
One or Two
Customer: Waiter, I've only got one piece of meat in my dish.
Waiter:Just a moment, sir and I'll cut it in two.
Althea later, alligator!