It all depends on if you are a man or woman.
2 WOMEN - are having a coffee and catching up:
So, how was your evening last night?
A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. Nightmare, and you?
Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and we chatted until late. It was wonderful.
2 MEN - meet at the pub...
So, how was your evening last night?
Incredible! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. Wonderful night, I just love my wife, You?
A nightmare! I came home early to fix the kitchen shelf.
When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out for dinner. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full...! The Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford a taxi, so we had to walk home. It took ages and once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f**king candles to avoid knocking everything over. I was so wound up and pissed off that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to finish. In the end, I was still wound up and it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing.......total disaster.
Politically Incorrect Jokes:
Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its Â£2.50/min (charges may vary).
Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".
Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!
If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweatshops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it!
1. Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.
2. A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.
3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.
5. The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him
Just got a tax return - yes, seems they do have a sense of humour
Yes, it is an old joke, but I laughed because I had not heard it for many years.
A bunny hopped into a bar, hopped on a stool and asked the bartender,
"Do you have any lettuce?" The bartender said, "this is a bar, we sell liquor, no we don't have any lettuce, now get out of my bar."
Next day, same bunny, same bar, same bartender. The bunny hops on to a stool and ask, "Do you have any lettuce?" The bartender gets mad and says, "I told you yesterday we don't have any lettuce, now get out. If you come back again, I'll nail your paws to the bar!"
Next day, same bunny, same bar, same bartender. The bunny hops on a stool and asks, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender looks at him oddly and says, "No, I don't have any nails in my bar." The bunny, replies, "Well then, do you have any lettuce?"
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, from the BBQ and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks... I don't want it,' answered Colin.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again, Colin said "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?
'I want the bastard who pushed me in.'
We are hosting a charity concert for people who have difficulty achieving orgasm. If you can't come, let me know.
Politically Incorrect Jokes
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said to her, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a
woman was born just by feeling their tits. "Really" she said, "Go on then ... try." After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on, what day was I born"? I said, “Yesterday."
"Jesus loves you."
A nice gesture in church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
I got caught having a leak in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly I nearly fell in.
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Two sisters, a redhead and a blonde, are talking. The redhead says: I just slept with a Brazillian. The blonde says: Oh my God, you slut, how many is a Brazilian?
Children Writing About the Ocean. The next time you take an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared.
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6 )
2 ) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more.
(Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs.
(Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
12) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
13) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
14) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)