Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
Words to Live By:
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some dirt over that shit and move on.
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be "very, very disappointed."
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.
"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century.
Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in prime condition?"
"...Sticks??" Paddy replied
Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?
Cause he was looking for a tight seal!
A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the
nerve up to jump. A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill
yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"
The woman said "Hell no...get away from me!" The bum turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."
Something to offend everyone!
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom, the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.." Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
Smith climbs to the top of Mt.Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do? "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," With his last breath John said, "I do!"
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me. The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
[ Edit: Edited on 10-Oct-2013, at 15:38 by vegasmike6 ]
Two couples were playing poker one evening.
Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the
Table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear
Under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit
His head on the table and emerged red-faced
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife
Followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you
$500. 'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial
And moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons
And Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m.
Sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went
To the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly
Dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m.. And upon arriving,
Asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by
For a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her
husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes,
In fact he did give me $500.' Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised
his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me.
He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home
And pay me back.'
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness," said one of his Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf, to show the friendship and spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked. "None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied, "but there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We can first make him a Cardinal, then we will ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a good idea. Of course, Nicklaus was honored, and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican" I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said Cardinal Nicklaus. "Tell me the good news first," said the Pope. "Well, your Holiness, though I've played some pretty good rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and straight, my irons were accurate, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"There's bad news?" the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."
Some politically incorrect jokes:
The wife's back on the warpath again.
Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie.
All I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
After both suffering from depression for awhile, the wife and
I were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to
feel a lot better. So I thought, screw it, I'll soldier on!
I woke up this morning at 8 and just felt that something
was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down
on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 10:30!
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.
I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!".
As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow
and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.
It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.