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Joke of the day.

Travel Forums Off Topic Joke of the day.

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71. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru, 5073 posts) 8 Jun '06 23:58

What do you call a scouse bird in a white track suit?

The bride.

72. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru, 8868 posts) 9 Jun '06 01:00

THE STRING AND THE SPOON

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an

organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and

utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I

looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of

the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the

same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked

the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string

right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so

observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the

spoon."

73. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru, 5073 posts) 9 Jun '06 03:31

Why you should never take your husband shopping with you (I'm determined to try some of these in ASDA)

Letter:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Our store is considering banning your family unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months, all verified by our surveillance cameras.

MEMO

Re: Mr Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-buy.

6. September 14: Moved a 'Caution - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna Look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the foetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!!!"

(And; last, but not least, and this is my favourite)

15. December 23: Went in the fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

74. Posted by wotthefiqh (Inactive, 1447 posts) 11 Jun '06 05:09

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
“Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

75. Posted by andymoore (Respected Member, 24 posts) 11 Jun '06 20:42

It's Sweaty Albert's first day as an apprentice at the zoo. Handing him a large spade, the Head Zookeeper tells Sweaty Albert it's the only tool he needs for whatever job he's asked to do.

For his first task, the Head keeper asks Sweaty Albert to clean out all of the weeds which are growing over the Koi Carp pond. "Be careful though," says the Head keeper "if you agitate the fish too much they may bite."

Sweaty Albert goes over to the carp pond and starts vigorously clearing out the weeds. Sure enough, as he thrashes through the water, a carp leaps up and bites him on the backside. Unable to control his rage, Sweaty Albert smashes every carp to death with his spade. Desperately wondering how to dispose of the dead carp, Sweaty Albert spies the nearby Lion Enclosure, and throws all the fish over the high fence.

Next, the Head keeper asks Sweaty Albert to muck out the Chimpanzee cage, again warning that the chimpanzees are mischevious and should not be upset. Once more, Sweaty Albert sets to work with his spade clearing up chimpanzee poo.

Suddenly, a large chimp drops from a branch onto Albert's head and starts beating him around the face. Consumed with anger, Sweaty Albert clubs to death every last Chimpanzee with his spade. Again, he disposes of the chimps by throwing them into the Lion Enclosure.

Sweaty Albert's last job of the day is to collect the honeycombs from the beehives in the zoo's Apiary. Here, the Head keeper warns Albert to e the most careful. "If the bees become annoyed", he says, "they will sting you all over."
All is going well, and Sweaty Albert has collected most of the honeycombs when he accidentally knocks over a hive. Immediately, bees swarm all over him and begin to sting him. Beside himself with anger and pain, Sweaty Albert takes up his spade and flattens every single last bee in the Apiary. Confronted with an enormous pile of squashed bees, Sweaty Albert once again relies on the lions to take care of them.

THE FOLLOWING DAY a new lion is being delivered to the zoo. The Head keeper takes the lion to the Lion Enclosure and puts him in with the other lions. Looking around, the new lion says to another lion, "Nice place you've got here. What's the food like?"
"Absolutely great!" says the second lion, "For example, just yesterday we had

- wait for it! -

battered fish and chimps with mushy bees!"

76. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru, 8868 posts) 12 Jun '06 01:20

An Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood
everywhere.
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's
lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

77. Posted by james (Travel Guru, 4124 posts) 12 Jun '06 01:27

Quoting Jase007

An Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood
everywhere.
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's
lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

That's shocking!

I like it

78. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru, 5073 posts) 12 Jun '06 06:08

Two prawns, Justin and Christian, are swimming around the North Atlantic, happy as can be. There's just one problem - they're absolutely terrified of the sharks.

One day, as they are swimming around, they come across a cod trapped in a net and help to set him free. The fish says "Thanks very much for that. By the way, I'm actually a magical fish - tell me your wish, and I shall grant it. Christian insists he's happy as he is, but Justin says "Actually, I'm fed up of being afraid of the sharks. I'd like to be a shark myself, that I might never fear again." SHAZAM! The cod turns Justin into a shark. Of course, little Christian is now terrified of his former companian, and darts away.

So Justin spends his days all alone, swimming the seas in search of adventure, fearing nothing. But, of course, after a while, he begins to miss his old friend, and becomes quite lonely. One day, he meets the magical cod, and Justin says "Oh great magical fish, I made a terrible choice and I want my old life back." "Did you learn a lesson here?" asks the cod. "Yes, I've learned" replies Justin. SHAZAM! The magical cod turns him back into a prawn.

Excited, Justin swims off to his friend's house, and bangs on the door. "Christian! It's me, come and play!" "Never!" comes the reply. "You're a shark, and if I open the door, you'll eat me!". "No no no," shouts Justin "I found Cod, I'm a prawn again, Christian!"

79. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru, 8868 posts) 12 Jun '06 07:15

It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know
it's important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered."
Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself-you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen
reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!

Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone
remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)."

They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against
England!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands weeping inconsolably.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, no, I have, I've let you down...I got sent off after 12 minutes."

80. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru, 8868 posts) 13 Jun '06 01:36

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.....

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p. m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p. m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p. m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

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